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Good memories, only….

I have been thinking about things and have decided to find good things, that I can remember.

I want to change the atmosphere so here goes nothing.

The man who was called dad, one memory comes to mind and I have realized it was like a Steve Irwin moment. We lived near the mountains where it snowed most winters, but when summer finally hit, out come the march flies and tiger snakes. (March flies, bite and suck blood their horrible things). I remember the day was clear, sun was out, it was warm, but not hot and I remember the breeze had crispness to it.

A man we knew left two properties to my older siblings (he didn’t actually own them, that’s another story), one was just off the road the other over the river. Even in summer that water was freezing, coming off the mountain (I usually fell in, I had no balance walking on rocks, in moving water).

We had a cow we milked, she only liked females, so I had to go too. She would follow me, I remember her as so lovely, big eyes and great temperament, very huggable.

Anyway back on track: We had crossed back over the river and were walking through the paddock, I would have been about 4 or 5 years old. I was told to keep my eyes out for snakes, being so small that was a little hard and the grass was nearly as tall as me.

All of a sudden, I was told to stop and don’t move, (we were taught to do as we were told, this could eventually save your life).

I knew straight away what it was, (if you don’t know tiger snakes, they are nuts, if you cross their path to were they are going, they will chase you) I remember so clearly, the old man (it’s what we called him) saying, ‘I am going to throw it this way, when I do, you run that way’, pointing left. I nodded and then he bent down, picked up the snake and whizzed it around his head, like he was trying to rope something, but instead it was a snake.

I took off as fast as my little legs would carry me, to get to clear ground. That day, I went to mum and said he was like a hero, but why did he do that? She said to me, when you do that the blood is supposed to rush to the snake’s head and confuses it enough, for you to get out-of-the-way.

I do not know if this is true and please do not ever try it, but I found a good memory.

At this point I can’t remember anything else good, but I am determined to find things. I want the bad gone and good to replace it, that will move me forward.

And continuing from last post, I have been praying everyday, I was told to do it faithfully and God will fix it. He will show me how, I do not have to be told twice, when it is something this important.

Be blessed x

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I am in a battle, that I will win, my father said so.

I have touched on parts of my life so far, but the big one is here to be dealt with. Something that has plagued me so far, but not anymore.

I am sharing this because I don’t know you, but if what I have been through helps you, then God wins again. And because of that, I will open my heart for you. No cost is too great for the glory of God.

Set the scene: I lived in a house, where my father abused my mother & at times us kids. He was not the only one who dealt out the abuse. I never felt safe, I always feared for my life. Not a nice way to live at all, I have touched on how a member of my family is a pedophile and I know full well, we all had to survive, one way or another growing up. My older siblings never built you up, they always tore you down or behaved like your enemy. With that I grew up not trusting anyone, I always seconded guessed everyone, because I always knew the people around me, had their own agenda and I would pay the price.

So in life when I was in the world, I have chosen relationships and situations that were familiar and I knew how to handle, but eventually you have to face the one thing that has messed with your head and has been their only from a culmination of events. Events that I could not control at the time, but which, I decided not to continue.

Continuing on: What is that, DEPRESSION, the one word I hate, more than any other.

(I have tried all my life to laugh it off or keep on smiling, so people wouldn’t worry, or question what, because that would have opened up too much for me to handle, when I was younger. I remember once thinking,  I could have put actors to shame. Because I was never allowed to let anyone know, what went on behind closed doors, for the shame of it. So I made sure, I appeared to have no worries or concerns, but the opposite was true. My heart was belted into a pulp as a child, I remember having this cupboard in my mind and that everytime a hurt happened a bottle was filled, with what I felt and I was the only one with the key. The big ones I kept on the floor because I remember thinking if they break, I would too. The emotion was too much for me to handle, especially when I had no one to turn too or protect me.) Until he was their that day.

So I sit here today, a woman who seeks God, with all her heart and I know this is one thing, that the devil, uses this to mess me around. To bring up the past and to try, to mess with my future. But I am grown now and I know right from wrong, I will only have the very best.

And quiet frankly, I have had enough, I am not worthless, I am not left behind and I am sick of being lied too, by my thoughts.

I am me, the way I was made, perfect in his eyes, so shut up devil, get out of my life and mind. I am so so worthy, because he says so, the king of kings (my father), I am beautiful and I am not damaged goods, I am not on the shelf. I will prosper like no other, because I am doing it by his will. I will silence you, you have no power or authority, you have no conscience or guilt and it says you are done. So look out because I will finally be rid of you, I have a sword and shield in my hand, you will fear me, I do not fear you.

I will take on the gates of hell and prevail. My past does not dictate my future, but it has a bonus of giving me, so much strength that hell will tremble. I have a battle on my hands, but guess what, the good guy always wins and I am a WINNER.

Victory is mine and I take it with both hands.

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God is sweet & so funny

Here I am again seeing the funny side to something.

Went to see another doctor today (I found him rude, but I will sort him out), prayed before and asked God to be with me on this journey and give them the keys to right, what is wrong.

Note: I went with my Pastor, she is like a dear mother, friend and everything all rolled into one. She is the most wonderful person, best thing I ever did, was when we had one of our heart to hearts and say, “I give you permission to say what ever you need to, to correct me”  because I know when God is using her, to correct me and its done with so much love. That’s why I love and respect her so much for that, I think that is so important, to be open and not afraid of hurting someone, I get ahead and say go for it (I know it’s for my good, so why delay the message).

Anyway here I am getting off track, she said God’s angels were in the room. I have seen this white flash at times and I too, saw something. I know he sent in the troops and I know because I have said, that’s it, I want this done and fixed, he is sending in the troops on my behalf.

You know something, when you are on this journey and you know with everything you are that you cannot deviate from it. When your family turns away because they don’t agree and you are standing alone, he is so very mindful, because he knows, you have made the conscious choice and he will honour that. And let me get something straight, right here and right now, it is not because of the church I am in (people will use things like for example, you are controlled by the church, sorry but Baah Humbug), it’s because of this powerful love, I have for him, that has grown overtime on my journey to where I am today. He put me where I am, he is in control and the church is in me, I am supposed to be his vessel. People get so off course, they confuse themselves, sometimes. I may not be making sense to you, but this could turn into a long conversation.

Their are times when, I have asked him to just hold me at night, till I fall asleep, sometimes a girl just needs a hug.

When I do this, I feel this warmth surround me, so much comforting and peaceful. He is their and I know this because a friend said to me, I see Jesus hugging you at night in bed (she didn’t know, but I filled her in).

He has surrounded me with another sort of family, one of his choosing. I follow him, but they are the icing on the cake.

In time people will see what I have and they will want it. Time is a very interesting thing, and time will tell, I was shown when I was younger (by him) how my worldly family put me down to believe I wasn’t worth anything and how when I was older this would be turned, that they would be falling over themselves to be known by me.

God has everything in hand, remember he knew my end from the beginning. And you have to admit he does fabulous work.

He is so sweet to me and these doctors have no idea what they have on their hands, this is gonna be funny.

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Thoughts about a book I have just finished

How are you doing today? Good I hope, remember someone is always thinking of you, I know that I am.

I just finished a book called Inside my Heart, by Robin McGraw, now I am not usually one to read this sort of thing. But I am open to any prompting, I was in one of those pop up book stores, saw the book, then kept on walking. All night, I had it on my mind, so back I went $5 is all it was, didn’t know why at the time, but he works in mysterious ways.

What shocked me, reading the first third of the book was like seeing myself. Now over my life I have not made the right choices by any means, but with each mistake, I have definitely learnt the lesson.

Remember, how I go on about the word CHOICE and that, it is very powerful, so does she, but having something to hold onto, when she was young, she was able to feel more confident, about that word. Moving forward on her path, she was destined to have. Growing up, I was made to feel less than any woman should feel. But knowing what I know now, when God decides to bring that right man for me, I will not be letting go of who I am today, but build on what I have accomplished and learned.

I heard a young girl say once that struck me and made huge impact, if you’re not happy single, then how can you be married. What a clever girl, it’s so true. I don’t mean be selfish, but know who you are and stick to it.

When I have been in a relationship in the past (of the world), I became this, THING. To please and do the right thing for them, by letting myself go, I don’t mean physically but spiritually, wholly. I couldn’t see anything of myself, I was not happy anymore, I didn’t laugh. And anyone knowing me, that is highly unusual, for six years I didn’t even get joy out of music. 

Thinking of it now, I became my mother. I became what I was conditioned to do and I know now that is not right. When I am in full flight, I even like myself, so why should I not, be me. I am a funny person, who is honest, loving and with the biggest heart, I will give anything to make someone happy if I can. I will sit there with you through anything, with all the love I have to give.

This book has sealed something in me. Something that just needed a, yep that’s the right thinking pattern. This has been the right thing, at the right time.

Funny how something so out of left field, can be him saying here you go, just read and you will get your answer.

My point in this, is to listen. He answers you, sometimes not directly, but indirectly. How precious is my father, all he had to do, was lead me.

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This may help you…

When something knocks me down either physically or spiritually, I automatically see myself, with my head down, but my spirit starting to standing up.

Then I see myself lifting my head, with bruises, cuts and marks. But then I see myself, in my eyes, a steely look I get, that says knocked down, but not out.

I get so determined to win (for his sake), whatever it takes. I have learned, I have the POWER and no one will take that away.

It says, ‘you will be persecuted like Jesus’, so his wounds will also be ours, to an extent. So if he could stand, then I can, I am related to him. I have the same gene pool, and that I do not doubt.

Be blessed.

 

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Update – Doctors crack me up.

As you are probably well aware of when I posted Doctors crack me up I was feeling a bit down, to say the least.

I have to be honest here because if I don’t, then I am the one who gets hurt the most. And if people are reading this, what I am sharing from my heart, what are they going to think, if I am not.

I had time with my Pastor and I opened up, how I was really at the end of myself, to do with my weight. I was sick of not being able to eat all that God has provided, I can’t have this or that because of allergies and stomach pain. That I am still fat, even though I am eating so little, I was really at the brink on Saturday, I had, had enough. When you get to that point, their is only one way to go, forward.

He lets you get to that point, because you come out fighting, I cried and let it out. Felt so much better, we agreed, prayed and stepped forward into a size 12 AUS.

The devil knows this bugs me and has holds me back, but I am nothing if not a survivor, so I will stand and fight, the outcome is on its way, as it has been done in heaven.

All my life, my health has been the one thing, he has used frequently to hold me back, well not anymore. I don’t care if I have to crawl, little by little, I will not be stopped or silenced. I am my father’s daughter, I have super strength, that he has given me and by god, I will have the victory. I am making the choice to prevail.

I am a walking miracle, the devil has tried 3 times to kill me off. And I am still here, I am extraordinary, he has no power over me.

Guess what, I am not going anywhere, I am here to stay, so praise the Lord, joy comes in the morning and take that you maggot (devil).

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I am amazed, people are listening to him.

I know this may not seem much but, hey I’m excited. Because it’s him speaking not me.

I was with a friend in the supermarket on Saturday, she ran into someone she knew. I remember saying something, but what I cannot recall, I have a habit of letting him speak through me and then I forget (actually none of my business).

I was told today that the person listened and it had impact. I just think its amazing people are listening to him, “about time”.

I have had many things happen to me, of all shapes and sizes he makes me feel so special. On Saturday I was given a top, a friend of mine bought it for me. Some may think this isn’t so amazing, but the fact is, what I have said to him and that he used her for me.

I think that is really special, top is gorgeous and fits perfectly. I felt really special and that is all the more reason to thank him.

I have been receiving a lot of things lately, one being from a guy that I know through work, he has a beautiful wife and 7 children. I have shared my testimony with him and how the lord has spoken to me. He is Jewish and loves the lord, we have alot of conversations.

He gave me for christmas a huge anti ageing pack, plus eye cream and mud soap (this is expensive stuff) Jericho, you have to get some its awesome. The mud soap amazed me the first time I used it, took off all the dead skin. Its made from the dead sea minerals and is from Israel. The eye gel is absolutely magic, you have to use it morning and night for a month, then just every morning, its feels so lovely. Worth taking the time for a little pampering.

When I was younger my mother said to me, “if you don’t listen to anything else I say, just use cream daily on your face and neck”. She use to always make sure I wore a hat whenever I was in the sun, with huge broad rims. I have to admit, best thing she ever said to me, I have people thinking I am 10 years younger than I am. Not knocking that one, but now I have to admit my skin needs hydrating more, so bring on the gifts Lord, I know they are from you.

And thank you, you make me feel so special, all the time. I feel like a little kid at christmas, I know there is more to come, it was told to me by a visiting Pastor.

I think, because I am making sure, I am listening to him, that things are happening so quickly. I have surrendered, I am willingly being corrected, shaped and formed. I am open to being taught and learning from it. Even if a lesson he is teaching is uncomfortable, I say to him just do it quickly and let me learn the lesson.

I have said to him sometimes that I don’t like it, I am being honest, but I most definitely are willing, I am in this, for the long haul. I never had a father figure, so I must humble myself now, because I know he has work for me to help others.

Happy days, to those who hear and let the veil over the eyes and ears of those who aren’t be removed in Jesus name.

He is truly one of a kind.

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Doctors, crack me up…

My doctor at the moment is trying to get to the bottom of things and he makes me laugh. They are so clueless sometimes, you just gotta shake your head and keep going.

I know in the world they work on genetics, but I am under my fathers genetics, not the world. In my heart and mind I am there every day, so when they start, I want to laugh or cry (but I choose laughter).

Yesterday went in for blood results, they always look at the cholesterol because I am fat (no reason to sugar coat it), he looks at me and says, ‘its great you are doing something right.’ What I do not understand, a normal day for me is, a nectarine for breakfast washed down with water, I may eat a line as I call it of Rice crackers (this is on the odd occasion), lunch sandwich bread and cheese (no butter/marg) more water or small tin of tuna, yes with rice crackers. Dinner will be either a small pasta dish tuna casserole was the other night or sausages, spud, carrots & peas (and yes there are more veggies than meat). My portion sizes are small so go figure.

I am not a lazy person by any means, I usually cannot sit still. Lately all I want to do is rest, I think the bug I had hit me harder than I care to mention.

So why am I putting on weight and not loosing it, if I hear more exercise again, I think I might scream (inside, not out). Or like yesterday buy a dog and take it for walks. My bra (sorry, cuts into my shoulder and makes my arm numb), I know they are doing all they have been trained to do, but I am different (start thinking outside the box), something is causing this and god will give me the key, I have to believe that or I will cry.

Yes, it gets me down, I know everyone is trying to help, but I am not NORMAL. Something is causing this, if I ate all the garbage under the sun, then yes I would agree, but I don’t.

Anyway, then I get the option of a free half hour health check, ha, that was perfect except for my weight & needs to have my eyes tested but hay, that’s pretty good.

I have one more test to go, I am so over this, but determined to press on. Doctors they do have a certificate to practice, they just cannot figure me out. God give them assistance please, you are my real physician, so do the work father.

Doctors think they are so qualified until they meet me, thinking about it, I think vets are more qualified, they have to deal with so many different animals. Doctors deal with one type, think about it.

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I want be a mission….

What do I mean by that, I want to be on his mission. To do what he wants me to do, not what I want.

I am having difficulty, I have been looking to see what jobs are around and all I keep thinking of is, I want to be put where he wants me, not what I want.

It is so clear to me, I am certain of that, more than anything else. I am trusting him to open a door, for me to walk through.

I just want to work for him, in a normal job, I think. I don’t even know. But I am keeping my eyes open, to see what may fall before me.

One good of employing me is, the work enviroment is blessed. Meetings that seem to be impossible, will happen with me around. Their will be a feeling that will leave with me. I remember bumping into a lady, who was a customer when I worked in the local newsagency. She said, when you left something changed, she didn’t know what, but it was different and not in a good way.

When I leave, God leaves with me, it’s that simple.

When I worked their, one thing happened that made them take notice, the van used for late delivers didn’t have the hand brake on, this was parked on the top of a steep driveway. It had to pass all other shops parking, BMW’s etc, if it had done the normal thing, getting up speed it would have taken out either pedestrians, cars or shops. It would have made a mess, a customer ran in and said the van it’s on the road. I buzzed upstairs, to who ever had the key, had to get the van moved. The man told the boss that it was like watching it in slow motion, it rolled down the hill, and turned as if someone was driving it and stopped in the middle of the road.

She came in and said, that only happened because your here, we are blessed to have you. Things like this always happen around me, I don’t go on about Jesus or anything, but I do have a line that I draw and if they ask, I answer them honestly. Or even say I will find out and let you know.

Something will happen soon, I am trusting him.

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We have been trained & conditioned a certain way

I have been watching the show, The Peoples Supermarket. Food for thought, I think.

I know when you go into a supermarket, company’s pay for shelfs at eye level. And what they throw out, we ultimately pay for, which is still ok to use.

We are told to clean our house with every chemical under the sun, but every generation gets sicker. We want lower prices, but how much does the producer lose out, because of it. I use to live on a farm, you do it for the love of it, but you work from dawn to dusk and you get paid less than minimum wage.

I love direct markets, pay the guy who does all the work I say and I do not care if something is not perfect, that’s produce. If you have some space, plant a tomato or lettuce, even if your on a balcony you can grow something.

Thinking about animals, we run to fast food outlets, because we don’t have enough time. Do you realize what happens to those animals, they are not treated humanely, I know someone who worked at a meat factory. I was told we are supposed to eat a lot of veggies and use meat as a very small portion. We have been conditioned to think the other way around, it has really made me think, which is always a good thing. We are spending money that we don’t have too, I keep thinking we have been almost trained like a dog.

Modern appliances are supposed to give us time, we are totally consumed by a phone, to walk around with it, so we are on call 24/7 (what, why) what is so important anyway. God is more important, that is the correct answer, we have to become unconditioned to realize, when the phone rings, unless there is an earthquake we DO NOT have to answer it. Who can see you through a phone anyway, no one can.

We are getting more stressed over worked, frantic and think of the amount of diseases, dying younger. Something is very out of whack, this is just food for thought.

And just today, why is it ok to tell a white lie. It’s not, a lie is a lie, be mature enough to be honest. We believe the lie before the truth because its more convincing, WHAT…

I am stopping to think, I will buy, what I need and choose from whom. I have the power and I will use it.