Acting for a lifetime

When I was little and living in an horrendous environment, my mothers words.

“Just make out, everything is fine, put a smile on your face, and don’t talk about it”, sorry mum but you got it wrong. Yes, I realized years ago, why she had told me that, for she lived it, to cope with what happened to her. But boy, I was going to change the course, I was going to be the one, who stops this familiar sick control, and with my dad I have.

So from age two, I kept making out things were fine, no one ever saw or heard the pain, screaming on the inside.

And this affected my life and the way I mothered my children, it is only now, that I know the truth.

But it does come when its time, when things change, anointing takes place, I remember being water baptized and thinking, nothing happened, I was expecting amazing things and I got nothing.

Someone I worked with said to me, why, weren’t you already done, I told her, when your christened its your parents choice, when your baptized, its YOUR CHOICE.

But I kept in my mind, that day in that paddock, the words he said to me, the day I knew someone cared enough, to stand for me, and that he would look after me. It was that day, I got a dad, lately I have been saying to people, many people can father a child, but few are fathers. Like a doctor, many are qualified by a certificate, but few are real doctors.

Think about it, when my dad came into my life, I knew, his discipline, I had to accept, because it was right, when everything around me was so wrong.

I went through scenarios of life and felt nothing, because, when you acting your not living. Your just doing, going though the motions, but it does not touch you.

I no longer act, it feels to me, I lived a life that was a lie, my only thing chatting to my dad is this, it took 53 years, I need to make some things up and we need to make them happen, NOW. Yes, I know hes listening, I know that he knows, what ever he decides I will willing accept.

But dad, its time, all that has been stolen and you know what I am talking about, it is definitely time.

For I am in the right place, right head space and just right.


How freedom feels

It is amazing, this freedom I feel.

Before as I have said, everything was a task, I had this hold, that I could not step forwards in anyway, because.

I have also said before, give yourself over totally, surrender all of you, every last bit. For it is only when you grant him access, can the anointing take place to break the yoke.

And this is interesting, because, I kept seeing egg yokes and did not know why.

I ask, then wait, I tell him what I want, I ask him as my father to know more than me and what ever he decides, I am at peace with that.

I have held on for dear life, knowing my first testimony, knowing how precious that gift was. And then knowing, I trust him, and that I am ALL IN.

I do sometimes debate with him, and he shows me, I hear him laugh, but he knows my heart, he knows who I am and he freed, ME.

I think of all the people, trying to get knowledge, to know more than others about the word, but I see it dead in them.

You see, to me, his words are not only on paper, I live them. I have been a good steward, I have been careful to make sure, every word hits home, because his living word is my breath and it should be, how I live.

Like the prayer, Our father who art in heaven, OUR FATHER, mine and yours, he is alive, he is living and he is in us.

For without him, this I know, I would not be living. My wealth is the love between him and I, not going off in haste, to be wise in what you do and the gift of seeing things, that others cannot.

My life is transformed and I am still getting rid of things, many avenues to remove things that are no longer withholding me…

Freedom reigns.