When I was little and living in an horrendous environment, my mothers words.
“Just make out, everything is fine, put a smile on your face, and don’t talk about it”, sorry mum but you got it wrong. Yes, I realized years ago, why she had told me that, for she lived it, to cope with what happened to her. But boy, I was going to change the course, I was going to be the one, who stops this familiar sick control, and with my dad I have.
So from age two, I kept making out things were fine, no one ever saw or heard the pain, screaming on the inside.
And this affected my life and the way I mothered my children, it is only now, that I know the truth.
But it does come when its time, when things change, anointing takes place, I remember being water baptized and thinking, nothing happened, I was expecting amazing things and I got nothing.
Someone I worked with said to me, why, weren’t you already done, I told her, when your christened its your parents choice, when your baptized, its YOUR CHOICE.
But I kept in my mind, that day in that paddock, the words he said to me, the day I knew someone cared enough, to stand for me, and that he would look after me. It was that day, I got a dad, lately I have been saying to people, many people can father a child, but few are fathers. Like a doctor, many are qualified by a certificate, but few are real doctors.
Think about it, when my dad came into my life, I knew, his discipline, I had to accept, because it was right, when everything around me was so wrong.
I went through scenarios of life and felt nothing, because, when you acting your not living. Your just doing, going though the motions, but it does not touch you.
I no longer act, it feels to me, I lived a life that was a lie, my only thing chatting to my dad is this, it took 53 years, I need to make some things up and we need to make them happen, NOW. Yes, I know hes listening, I know that he knows, what ever he decides I will willing accept.
But dad, its time, all that has been stolen and you know what I am talking about, it is definitely time.
For I am in the right place, right head space and just right.