I have been asking, why and when..
What caused me to be fat, when did I start to shut down. When and what happened, because you cannot move forward, instead you stay stuck in a system that is not of your making.
I grew up in a time that men could do what they wanted and what ever it was, was OK. No one would listen and think that it was wrong and that is not OK anymore.
So having to face certain memories allowed to look at them, outside of being the person it happened too.
And boy, has that made a difference. You see, I use to be a size 11, I use to exercise, walking and running up and down stadiums, ride my bike etc.
But then, people came along, each taking a piece of me, shutting me down and I started to use food to try and fill this void, you see food was either something to feel pain with. Because you eat until you feel pain or vomit, yes it is the truth, to feel something other than this gnawing feeling inside that you cannot seem to fill or explain.
It comes from words, words & things like, actions that may have been done towards you, are your fault – LIAR. Jealousy of others for just being me – LIAR. Having a hourglass figure and being pretty, to want me when your old and married – LIAR. Putting on makeup and nice cloths, words used to attack – LIAR. Pregnant and being told I am fat etc – LIAR. LIAR LIAR
There are many, many words but I realised after my father showed me, they were issues of others and not mine, but because of there guilt they tried to heap it onto me and convince me it was my fault.
Well the father showed me, it was their garbage and I needed to take out the garbage and send it on it’s way. When you realise, that the guilt you were fed, feeds a hole, that hole is all mental, not physical & nothing to do with your food choices. Your body will hold onto what it can, because like me if you loose a little you freak out inside and need to have that weight on, for protection.
So if this helps anyone else be aware, then I have done my job.
But lets say, the garbage has been taken out and I am now very aware of others problems that were nothing to do with ME.
And I stand in my spirit as my fathers and with so much thanks, that he has allowed me to find the answer.
So just know it is OK, OK to face the hurts and really see how and why.
And to restart, even at my age it is never too late. I am the generation who was coming out of the darkness and I will stand in the light, with everything I have.