On Monday just passed, I had two appointments, funny thing is on the second I saw a sibling and instead of my old reaction, I saw an old woman, with a puffy face, and her eyes were empty and sad.

I felt absolutely nothing, then I thought of our shared mother and how she felt the same way, over years of treatment, that was disrespectful, she cut off any feeling towards them and just tolerated their presence.

And, I could hear her words, at the time I didn’t know how anyone, especially a mum could be cold and unfeeling, since that time, I myself have had treatment that is not acceptable, so I too have nothing.

You may be reading this and think, how odd, but you have to know why and its a very long story.

I may not be a person who dresses to impress, but I have many friends, many acquaintances and someone who is very rich indeed and it does not impress me, I care about, trust, respect and honor. What you have or may not have, I couldn’t give a fig, why, I think of the father, he isn’t impressed, he just waits and wants to love your heart, so as I go for today.

Just be a good person, don’t take time to judge or ridicule, because all that crap does not matter, when your time comes. But leaving your mark as a kind, open and gentle heart is much much more.

Just do what you say, TRUST.

Don’t try and figure him out, don’t try and be his CEO, don’t worry about what is to come or what will happen.

Just TRUST, trust him to have you, trust him to use you when its time and get off the band wagon, stop following along because its what, has always been done.

Form a relationship with him, form a bond above all others, trust him and never let go.

Just do it, for we as humans can never come close to understanding what is next, give all your desires up and just be in the moment, for it has been proven to me, you get far more in life, that if you strive for perfection, material possessions or money.

I get my strength, in the knowledge that he has me, that I heard his voice, knowing that when I go through a hard time, where I feel, all I can do is breath.

He is building a warrior, someone who will fight his way, who will not run and hide, but who will make sure, she has her ammunition ready, not the worlds kind, but his.

So as I go threw the hard training, like an SAS agent, I know, he is going to use it, and I don’t have to work out how or why, all I have to do, is be ready and willing.

To stand, when others say they will, but are no where to be seen, when its required, I have a love. A love, only I understand, because, my life is his, when I said I surrender, I gave it all. So how can I loose, because if my life ends, my real life starts with him…

That knowledge, gives me the strength, I cannot deny…

Sometimes I sit here, not knowing what to write, or whether any of it will help a stranger, who falls onto this site.

But one thing, one thing that has always grown in me, when others run from the battle, I stand, scope the landscape, use all my senses and do what needs to be done.

Like the time shortly after I moved here, next door had a young man in there, well he must have done something to upset another, because a young guy with a metal baseball bat, used it to smash his car, that was out the front of his house, the mail box came off second best and he kept yelling, “he was going to kill him” all I kept thinking was, get a site line, see who he is, and you could tell he was under the influence of drugs. But after what seemed like hours, I had, had enough.

Yes, I called the police, but when his friends tried to call him away, I knew I was safe enough and to make sure my exit line back into the house was clear, just encase.

So, I went half way up my driveway, and I boldly and with authority, told him “to go home” he kept on about going to kill him, “I said no your not, your going to go home”. I made sure I repeated myself. When he finally left, I watched from my blackened room, where he went and made a data information memory for when the police arrived, clear and direct as they required.

Lucky my house has bedrooms at the front and you can see through a slit, but I got Jack of it (means had enough). I thought to myself, I am having cold sweats, I have anxiety through the roof, then I thought, I have lived all my life in fear and the police are in another area and can’t come now. So I am taking the power back, and thank the father it worked.

The police woman, came once the sun came out and asked me questions, she said the guy heard you, confronting the young man, I said where was he, she said, “hiding under the bed”. She said to me “please don’t do that again” but as I said, “he didn’t want to kill me, just him and I wasn’t taking it anymore”.

I did understand where she was coming from, but I get to a point, right I’m game, lets go. And I will do it in the safest way, but enough… with my father, I have his protection. For I stand on the fact he is a jealous god and loves me, and he knows when push comes to shove, I will stand on solid ground.

I might have shared how I am seeing someone to deal with my nightmares of the past, that have disturbed me, since I can remember.

What astounded me yesterday was this, I have been given the freedom to feel it all, deal with it properly and put it to bed.

This has made it so hard, but I know it is for my greater good, and in some part of me, the knowledge that once I have conquered it, it can be used by the father, for the greater good.

Why is this important to me, its simple, what the enemy used to try and destroy me, I will boldly use for my fathers manual for others.

I have lived a life where, don’t cry its a sign of weakness, don’t talk about it, just put a smile on your face and ACT everything is fine. Well that only works for so long, and you should deal with it, then and there, not allowing it to fester like a sore on your butt.

We need to move emotion to its place and leave it at the gate, so when the next thing happens, your ready and well adjusted.

I have been thinking of my mum a lot lately, and writing this I have come to an understanding as to this. She did not know how to deal with her trauma, so when it came to me, she just did what she knew worked for her.

When you realise, how people manage, what has astounded me is, I have done the right thing, without even realising it. I have put processes in place, that I wanted to use, to get out of this toxic pattern that had been established by my family. Who give days of our lives a run for its money as a story line.

Mum, god bless her, did not start on the start line, that normal people would have, she was damaged before she had any of us, one thing I remember her keeping was a note I had attached to a card. This I found after she had passed away, because she always asked herself, how did she go so wrong, having kids that were not of her liking. She said to me, I only had two kids, Larry and you, the first and the last. (Just writing this, makes me think of the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end.) She wanted a big family, full of love, instead she got as she said, “the lies, manipulation and bullshit coming out of there mouth, they are not mine” and she had disengaged from any feeling towards them and an intolerance of sorts. Because, she had been made to feel a lesser individual, because the standard of her living wasn’t up to them, what I saw was a woman who faught for everything she had, and was happy in that, something that was enough for her.

I only wish, lessons she taught me, show up as I deal with my reality of my history. In the knowledge, I will make sure, I leave nothing left unsaid, or anything not revealed as truth. Because, in a long line, it is time, time to take the power back and build a new history of change…

When I have pain, (I am allergic to anti inflammatory drugs or natural) I think of Jesus, taking all that on his body, how they violated the one, the one that gave his life for all of us.

Then, I get start to growl, I cry out to the one, I cry out and shout, I will not have this, this is not mine, he took this on his body and I will not tolerate it any longer.

Sometimes it lessons, other times, I take a pain pill, this is me being honest, but I always know this, HE HAS ME.

Its like when I was in labour with my daughter, I remembered the pain, I knew what was to come and I told myself, you did it once before, so instead of freaking out, manage it, draw on that strength every woman possesses and get it done, because the faster you accept it, the faster its done.

And I did it without gas or an epidural, because I kept thinking, I am woman hear me roar.

You see, as my mum always said, “its mind over matter, you have the power” you rule, not your body. This makes sense if I had the time, but butt is starting to twitch, so this is me for the day, love to all.

And remember this easter, celebrate him, not the chocolate.

I was just sitting here, as its a better day to be able to sit (I have arthritis in my lower back-tail bone and front pelvis) this is to explain why sitting becomes unbearable.

I lost my level of faith, yes I have to write it down to admit it, me who was so fired up about the father, had a lull in faith. Why, I got so consumed by past life, as I was allowed to feel every emotion, that was quashed, all that long ago.

You see, I was told to act that everything was fine and dandy, well, I found out that once your allowed to feel it, it hits you hard, I have had really bad anxiety, depression and panic attacks like never before. I had acted for so long, I forgot how to go through the process of NORMALCY in emotions.

So, that test came along and I felt like I was going to fall off the wagon, as one would say. I need to say this, because if anyone has been there, knows it can become all consuming.

And, then I couldn’t do anything, I had not lost the belief that the father would bring me through, but boy, was it the hardest thing to do. I know this, I am not done yet, I have to manage how to deal with the simplest of tasks, like appointments.

I have learned one thing, you never know or can explain, how it feels, or how to go from day to day. I knew many years ago about people who might just give up, because it is really hard.

But one thing that has held me is this, the time he spoke to me, when I was a child and broken. The other thing that has just come to mind is this, he will never leave you or forsake you, just HOLD ON.

If the powers that be knew, what damage domestic violence, sexual assault, living with a pedophile etc can do to your mental state, they would make changes, today, but you really haven’t got a clue, until you have lived it.

For anyone who has felt this way or is struggling, know he has you, just breath, just live in the next 10 minutes, then do the next. Cut your day into bits, laugh at your struggles, why because they belong to the enemy and he can have it all…

Coercion is the act or process of persuading someone forcefully to do something that they do not want to do. It was vital that the elections should be free of coercion or intimidation. Synonyms: force, pressure, threats, bullying More Synonyms of coercion.

I might have posted this before, but it rings true.

For those women and men or live in fear, need to know the law will stand up for them, for their life and be used to save it.

I was at the doctors yesterday and this struck me as so simple.

Men have issues going to the doctor, but will service their cars, wash them, etc.

But going to the gym and looking after your fitness is again not enough, get your butt to the doctor for a once a year service, have your blood test to check your prostrate.

Be active, in maintenance, if you have a family and care for those around you, then getting a problem, before it over takes your life is much more logical than ignoring a simple action.

Yes, I believe God heals, but I also believe a back up plan, is better because who knows when the enemy will try and take you out.

Women are assaulted in many ways, especially once you become pregnant, I personally have made sure, as I call it go in for a service check.

Because you would not expect a car to work without petrol, or oil would you, or being charged for those modern cars.

So, this little post just may save a life, for someone reading it, who has a hidden darkness not yet aware of…

Why the msg needs to be heard is this.

If I had been in a house with those who stood, protected me and believed in me, I would not have gone through what I did.

Its this simple, if your worldly dad is an abuser and has sexually transmittable diseases, one is a pedophile, another is a gas lighting narcissist, another is an avoid-er, and another is so emotionally cut off and then you grow up, hating your body, hating even considering you have a very intelligent mind, or anything good going for you, then that carries onto your children.

Why, because you do what has been learned…

YOU become part of those you have desired with all your might to separate from.

But then, the real father comes in, then he opens your eyes, helps you to ask for forgiveness and to ultimately forgive yourself.

My life could have been so different, but if all that had to take place to be here today, I praise God, for allowing me to be trained in ways, not many can…