The other night the Lord showed me, my response to things are not what is expected and that others cant take as the real response, the following is why I need help.

No, Na, Nope, now this may seem a bit daft to begin with but really people, don’t understand what I am getting at.

1. No is the solid form meaning: not gonna happen. Or I am freaking out and better to say no, but you may need to chat more to find out why.
2. Na is the meaning: thinking maybe yes, need more info before I confirm the outcome. Possibility is there always.
3. Nope meaning: Maybe I did maybe I did not, I might be trying to be funny.

In all this I try very hard, but after years of finding the word NO, its really hard to flip that switch.

My concern is my hubby when he walks up to me, for a date. Oh lord your gonna have to help here. You see I get very embarrassed and nervous, so my instant reaction is NO, save myself from the first date, first kiss and getting to know me, it really freaks me out.

I am very worth the bother (I finally know my value), ask the father he knows. But I wish I could just go too, hi how about we get hitched, and find out after that, if the Lord shows us then who are we to question. I am very private when it comes to this, you ask me out in front of people I know, its gonna be a NO or I will make a joke to try and hide my reaction. I want the process to be private, so no body is hurt. I was never one to want to hold hands, kiss in public or have a cute name, its between me and them.

Going out, how hard is that, well allergies, motion sickness, nervous stomach are not good at all, omg too personal to share. I like to chat about interesting subjects or even my veggie patch, things of interest, and when I am nervous I talk fast (Oh lord the more I think about it, I am sitting here getting nervous). Its an inbuilt form of protection that sometimes I am not aware that I am doing till later. But Lord let my hubby know, I am a treasure worth the effort, and getting to really know me, will be surprising and valuable. If he gets a no, try again, find out why, is it really a no or am I having a panic attack.

Being very cheeky and dry sense of humour, the hardest thing is controlling myself, as I do not want to appear as if I am flirting. I don’t think I know how to flirt anyway, I always thought I was just being friendly, I would have no idea if someone was interested anyway, it takes a person to walk up and say, I am interested in dating you, I am totally oblivious. I think because as my body matured, at the time I really needed a true friend, someone to share my heart with, and I missed the knowledge of finding out someone is interested in me.

The main problem is I never felt really good enough about myself, so in my head, why would they want to be with me, must be just sex they want (before I surrendered to the Lord’s way). But coming through it all and finding my worth finally, he needs to really make the effort and it has to come from him as I would never ask anyone out, not gonna happen.

Sometimes people have thought I had feeling towards someone, instead I felt protective as a sister or friend, people don’t really know me when it comes to this.

I don’t want any of my feelings to come forward, until the father says, he is the one. Then I will sit back and go quiet, sounds a miracle I know, but I am a thinker. I go away think about it all, before I make the final decision, I do not rush into anything, wisdom has to rule here. I want to be sure, I have not only my children to consider but my journey in Christ.

I am sticking to this motto : I believe he gives you what you need, not what you want.