Xmas, I am filled with sharing

Over the weekend I tried to get a few things for the lunch I have been invited too.

I just want to share, a blessing with everyone, Xmas normally feels very sad time for me. Only because I get to think if only my kids were speaking to each other, or the other would get off his high horse and see me for just his mum who loves him.

But this year I am going to believe and expect, for what you may ask. That this time next year, I will have either met or married the one the Lord has for me. That my son, will answer my phone calls or txt’s and realise I am human and a little effort would not kill him.

Anyway, I expect that my finances will zillion’ise next year and my weight and health will be fabulous.

I wish you all a safe holiday, and show a little kindness. You just might get back more than you could ever believe…


I treasure a simple gift, so deeply…

Yesterday my Landlords dropped off a card with a gift voucher in it.

What touched my heart, was she grew a plant off one from her mothers garden.

Now when your parents pass, especially when you have struggled in the journey and you wish with all your heart that they knew. Just how much you really loved them, when I love, I love with everything I have.

So I deeply felt such a gift given and was so very beautiful, to think of passing something simple from her mother to me and sharing part of her memories in this one little act.

It does not matter what it is, its the love given behind it that I treasure. I have a card and everyone wrote something, I treasure that, I sit here in tears. When you never really had someone who loved you for just being you, and now they do.

It really touches my heart and makes me treasure the thought behind the sentiment.

Don’t tell anyone but I am a very sentimental person, and when I give, I give love.

I realised I can come across as confusing…my husband needs to know

The other night the Lord showed me, my response to things are not what is expected and that others cant take as the real response, the following is why I need help.

No, Na, Nope, now this may seem a bit daft to begin with but really people, don’t understand what I am getting at.

  1. No is the solid form meaning: not gonna happen. Or I am freaking out and better to say no, but you may need to chat more to find out why.
  2. Na is the meaning: thinking maybe yes, need more info before I confirm the outcome. Possibility is there always.
  3. Nope meaning: Maybe I did maybe I did not, I might be trying to be funny.

In all this I try very hard, but after years of finding the word NO, its really hard to flip that switch.

My concern is my hubby when he walks up to me, for a date. Oh lord your gonna have to help here. You see I get very embarrassed and nervous, so my instant reaction is NO, save myself from the first date, first kiss and getting to know me, it really freaks me out.

I am very worth the bother (I finally know my value), ask the father he knows. But I wish I could just go too, hi how about we get hitched, and find out after that, if the Lord shows us then who are we to question. I am very private when it comes to this, you ask me out in front of people I know, its gonna be a NO or I will make a joke to try and hide my reaction. I want the process to be private, so no body is hurt. I was never one to want to hold hands, kiss in public or have a cute name, its between me and them.

Going out, how hard is that, well allergies, motion sickness, nervous stomach are not good at all, omg too personal to share. I like to chat about interesting subjects or even my veggie patch, things of interest, and when I am nervous I talk fast (Oh lord the more I think about it, I am sitting here getting nervous). Its an inbuilt form of protection that sometimes I am not aware that I am doing till later. But Lord let my hubby know, I am a treasure worth the effort, and getting to really know me, will be surprising and valuable. If he gets a no, try again, find out why, is it really a no or am I having a panic attack.

Being very cheeky and dry sense of humour, the hardest thing is controlling myself, as I do not want to appear as if I am flirting. I don’t think I know how to flirt anyway, I always thought I was just being friendly, I would have no idea if someone was interested anyway, it takes a person to walk up and say, I am interested in dating you, I am totally oblivious. I think because as my body matured, at the time I really needed a true friend, someone to share my heart with, and I missed the knowledge of finding out someone is interested in me.

The main problem is I never felt really good enough about myself, so in my head, why would they want to be with me, must be just sex they want (before I surrendered to the Lord’s way). But coming through it all and finding my worth finally, he needs to really make the effort and it has to come from him as I would never ask anyone out, not gonna happen.

Sometimes people have thought I had feeling towards someone, instead I felt protective as a sister or friend, people don’t really know me when it comes to this.

I don’t want any of my feelings to come forward, until the father says, he is the one. Then I will sit back and go quiet, sounds a miracle I know, but I am a thinker. I go away think about it all, before I make the final decision, I do not rush into anything, wisdom has to rule here. I want to be sure, I have not only my children to consider but my journey in Christ.

I am sticking to this motto : I believe he gives you what you need, not what you want.