This is a post from my facebook page, this is when I realised, that God was real and he had me. It hit home, that my life was on the line, and he was the only way, this is before I surrendered my life to him, for he saved me and my daughter.

Let me share my very personal history, because if it saves a life, then it is worth it, for the safety of girls who read this and my daughter….

How do you get Cervical Cancer? And every female in my linage has had scares from it.

A male carrying the virus Human papillomavirus (HPV) is how, men need to make sure they clean, every crevice down stairs, ladies train your sons (I made sure, I hammered it into my son)…

Being absolutely transparent here, I lived in the world and out of 5 partners (I’m making a point as to why I am opening up), it only takes one, to transmit it.

To anyone and everyone, make sure you get checked, in my line, it has to be every year, because we are exceptional. My mothers hysterectomy, she died 3 times on the table.

And unless you test positive, to the cells, doctors will not tell you, that you have the virus, because unless they trace the reports, they are also uninformed – so trace your pap smear reports, your history will show any evidence of this virus.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, at 5 weeks I had a pap smear (told that the baby would be OK), this came back showing evidence, I was only a month or so pregnant and in having a biopsy, this came back, High Risk.

Yes the C word was spoken (this is something, I never told my mum at the time or anyone, I down played any questions, because I was not going to give this thing any power over me, I can be one stubborn mule when I make my mind up), I was told, it was no good having a baby, without a mum (at the time, I felt a wave of peace, and I held onto that).

So at 5 weeks old, after my daughters birth, I was in hospital having it burned off, via a laser, getting more biopsy’s taken.

I had doctors freaking out, but I was calm, because I knew, someone was in charge of my life and I really prayed, same when they expected me to loose my son at 3 months.

But that virus was still in there, so 2017 came around, and finally via a full hysterectomy, the threat was removed.

But because of my history, I still need to be vigilant.

Unless your informed, you can walk around oblivious and knowledge saves lives.

So regardless of any embarrassment that I may feel, or you may baulk at this overshare, this message MUST be shared.

I was watching Adele one night only on repeat and one thing crossed my mind, and then I felt the chains loosen their hold on me.

My last post, I had to face evil head on, I had to show it, that I hold no fear or shame. I had to show, that through it all, my father will carry me.

And with that, the hold is no more…

I keep telling people, face your fear, and that fear will break its hold. It sounds bizarre and I knew, that I had to face my fear, but his truth, will set you free, freedom comes with boldness and total trust.

And I trust my dad, I trust his procedure in my life. I know that at the right times, things will fall away and as I let it happen, it happens when I least expect it.

What has had a hold on me, has been why I chose to put on weight. I have to share my story, to understand why I held onto it for so long.

You see, as a child, your looks or body, seemed to be your only value. I wanted my value to be my character, my personality, my brain, my honour and grace. But little by little as I matured and become more like a woman, men in the country are blunt, crude and I did not like it. It wasn’t anything other than, the remarks that cut through me, about my body, I was at the time 34, 20, 28 inches and I hated being seen.

I chose loose cloths when I could, but all I wanted, was to be free, to enjoy the times of enjoyment, not a chance to grope me or treat me like an object. It made my skin crawl, because of what I witnessed.

So, as I grew and felt nothing, I went through motions, got married (not ever feeling anything). I had children and again stayed in an abusive relationship, because I felt nothing.

Then, I stuck with it, you see, being big, you become invisible, you become the one watching, when no one is watching you. It is a sort of freedom, to just be…

So, I noticed, this last couple of weeks and months a change, you see, I get angry when someone comments on my weight, why, because I have felt, still not good enough.

But, knowing in part, they only want the best for me, but again, why am I not enough, what ever size I am. The man I married, made my skin crawl and I got fat for him to leave me alone, because even being the small size I was, he wanted more disgusting things from me.

So, after many many years of self hate, and abuse to me, I said to the Lord to help me.

I needed to let go, but when you have been doing the same thing, for so long, you cannot figure out how to get off the wheel.

Well, finally, I stopped hurting me, I realised I was doing this, for a kind of freedom, to just be.

I am sharing this, because this might help someone else. If my tears have to flow, to share the deepest parts, for my father voice and mine to be heard, then I will.

If I get up and don’t want to eat, I don’t, when I eat, I eat what is best for me, not because of someone else’s standard, that they feel I must adhere too.

If I get up and start my day with a glass of water and don’t eat till 2, then that’s OK, its about, listening to me, not anyone else.

Its about silencing the hater and making my voice, stand strong.

So, if I can give anyone advice, trust the father, trust the right time and season, for your time will come.

He will bring you through it all, and victory will come, let the love flow, between you both and what ever the outcome, its what your suppose to be.

And when it comes to that, its OK, to be me… because I am enough.

I have really bad anxiety at times and depression occasionally.

Why, the past has left its mark, but I pray every time that the Lord releases this from me. If I am pushed or have to do something by a certain time, I can feel myself curl up in a ball inside.

It is something I must share, why because only when the hidden things of darkness are exposed can they be dealt with.

It blocks me like a vice, I feel totally debilitated at times, but I have to hang onto the Lord.

I know the enemy is trying to stop me, again and again and the best thing to do is just let my father deal with it. Sometimes it feels like a cloud that comes on me, but I have to fight, for my right to have freedom.

And by my words and that of my father, I will….

All week I kept thinking about Mantels, how no new houses have them anymore and how I miss them.

Then I watched something, that talked about Mantels and it made sense.

How something simple can steer you in the right direction.

This is something I have been thinking about since the new year started.

What about the race, the one you agreed on, when your scroll what written.

Have you been, like me at times, sitting on the side line, wondering if your worthy to participate.

I remember when I was younger, all I wanted to do as a hobby was run, problem my ankles would pop and I would fall over. But when I did run in races, I could never be first, but I kept thinking as a youngster, just FINISH.

I was always good at marathons at school, why, because I listened to my body, I chugged along and when it counted, burst for the last couple of meters.

I felt good, because I finished, not trying to win, not trying to be the best in others eyes, just running my race.

This morning I was reminded of this, to RUN YOUR OWN RACE. The one you agreed on, and this is to me as much as anyone.

Stop sitting and questioning, just line up and participate, be part of the race, but make sure your RUN YOUR RACE.

So, as I am about to go today, I have seen myself lined up at the starting line, its not about what others see, its about you and him and the race, you signed up too…

Have a great day and RUNNNNNNNN lol

Yesterday, I ordered online and went to pick up my groceries.

On the way home, I felt prompted to go and get a drive through drink from the big M.

I never ever go in, to get anything for myself, but I felt the need too.

As I have said before, you have to be listening, so I listened and got a drink, sorry I did choose what I did, I felt so sick afterwards. But getting back on course here, it saved me.

As I drove in, picked up and drove out, would have been about 2 minutes, tops. As I got back onto the main road, I saw a car in the front, it was white with unusual back light design.

All that popped into my head was this, if I had not gone into get a drink, I would be up there.

As I turned and drove up the hill, I came to the dreaded roundabout, that is oval in shape and has blind spots, in the place I live.

An accident, had just happened, what was hit, that same white car, the front was off the car, another car was in the medium strip. A woman was sitting on the side of the road, with people around her, and all I could think was, turn left and get out of the way, so services can come and assist.

Then, I felt to ring to check if an ambulance had been called, they had not, only the police, you see, you may seem fine at an accident, but a brain bleed or something else medical you cannot tell and your life is worth them checking.

All, I saw like a headlight was that WHITE CAR, and all I could think to myself, beyond doubt was this, it could have been me. If I had not turned into get a drink, I would have been in the roundabout, at that exact time.

My angels, protected me, I have been going over this all night and I cannot deny the truth, MY ANGELS, who are always with me, saved me.

I kept thinking, I never get junk food, I deplore the M store, because of the smell turns my stomach. But, I listened and listening, saved me.

I have no doubt, my beautiful angels were there when I needed them.

I ask myself this many times, to make sure, I keep tuned in.

Tuned into, what he is blessing me with.

The other day, I said to a friend something, she then told me, that she was waiting for me to do it.

Now, I don’t know about you, but bugger waiting (sorry for the Aussie slang), but I have to get real here.

It does not matter where I am, or who is around, or who hears, I will do what I am prompted to do, immediately, right there, right then.

You see, he knows something that you are yet too, he is training you, to see if you will show the lead. And I think if I was him, I would be tired of people, consistently seeing if it was embarrassing or who was around etc, for fear.

I say things all the time, and bugger what others think, I lived too long, to worry about you, you worry about yourself instead, how about those apples.

I love it when I am prompted, I love it when I figure out, what he wanted me to do and why. I feel blessed and special every time, because he is thinking of me and others. How special is that, to know it, beyond doubt.

So, as your day, ends or begins, tell him, talk to him, take no care for tomorrow, but instead of expecting him to answer when you need him, what about being there, for when he needs YOU…

We get birthed into what the world calls, family.

But, when the one you have, does not measure up, and you select him, over all else. Remember the old saying, “You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family”.

He gives you another family, a family that builds you up and a family you can be honest with and not be judged daily.

I was born into a very dysfunctional family, everyone seems to have different issues, but you have to deal with them, at each point, truthfully and move on.

So, with me, instead of being condemned by them, and being on this continual merry go round, I got off. I decided to follow, my personal experience and stop being the YES person, I use to be.

I decided, this emotional pull, is toxic and I must be released from it.

So, I chose the father, they say things have a habit of working out, well it wasn’t anything like joining a cult or anything like that. It was just me, seeing, that those who said they loved me, continued to hurt or control me.

So, I looked at the road to where I was lead, and realised the father was calling me home. In many ways, it has nothing to do with the group, I go to church with, it is about choosing him, where ever I am.

All my roads, all my blessings, all my miracles, everything lead to him, and I accepted him, that to me is real family.

Jesus is my brother, father God is my only father and when all fits together, your home…

Many times we can get stuck in a continual motion and each day we miss an opportunity.

I realised this yesterday, man I had to push myself, my knees were not happy, lets put it that way.

I knew I had to pay the rent, get some elastic to fix something, then the day was gone.

Having to rest and raise my legs is time wasted, but then today, I thought hang on, you should have prayed. Then again, do not get caught up with the, shoulda woulda brigaide, just learn.

So I am looking forward, each day, I tackle the next thing and then think to myself, I cannot go back. “There is no going back, to go back too”.

My decision, the ultimate decision is set in stone and regardless of who is happy with me or not. I have to keep going, like yesterday, I thought to myself, bugger it, I am going to do what I need too, I am tired of limitations because of an accident, years prior, I am going to push, and so I did.

Lets just say, last night, oy. LOL

With my father, I have to move in the knowledge that I have to move ever so carefully forward into what I must do. I have let go of the past, I have stopped letting myself be dragged back into what I call, the dirty wash cycle of the washing machine, I hung myself out to dry and for that picture he gave me, I am grateful.

Something that convinced me, happened in the last couple of weeks, you see, others keep going over and over the past and the good old blame game. But their lives do not seem to change, the same pattern exists and that is what I decided to move away from.

I am honest, and as I have said, I am not perfect in anyway, shape or form. But at least I admit it, at least I move forward, this continual gossip train, especially with women. I always use to think, who on earth made you, judge, jury and executioner.

It says that he is the only judge, so get a grip and move on…

Growth is an amazing, gladly I have finally realised this.

Why, do you say…

The need to be the richest, the most famous, have the best or the most.

I simply, do not understand this at all.

It says to treat others as you would like to be treated, but instead we get lost in the world of haves and have nots.

I could have a trillion, but to me, as I sit questioning what I just wrote. It means nothing, I still see and have no desire, for fancy cars, for big mansions, or for jewels.

My desire is the love of my father, the only thing that fills my heart, he is my desire. He is my light, in my past, when I felt I was on a path of darkness, he is where my path now leads. His light shone brighter and brighter, leading me here, today and for tomorrow.

I know, I stand on the belief that his words, that all of it rings true. His words, for my life, are loud and clear.

I have been told many times, people see me with lots of wealth, but as I sit and shake my head. I still will be the bargain hunter, I know that I hate to my very core, people who waste and boast.

For to me, if your not boasting about the father, then your on the wrong channel..

So Lord, I know its coming, for I feel it strongly today. But, please do not let me go, I would rather hand it back to you, than loose what I have now.

It is about being a responsible Christian and I believe your living word, I put it into practice all the time and for that, I already have wealth beyond measure.