Feeling the chains loosen their grip

I was watching Adele one night only on repeat and one thing crossed my mind, and then I felt the chains loosen their hold on me.

My last post, I had to face evil head on, I had to show it, that I hold no fear or shame. I had to show, that through it all, my father will carry me.

And with that, the hold is no more…

I keep telling people, face your fear, and that fear will break its hold. It sounds bizarre and I knew, that I had to face my fear, but his truth, will set you free, freedom comes with boldness and total trust.

And I trust my dad, I trust his procedure in my life. I know that at the right times, things will fall away and as I let it happen, it happens when I least expect it.

What has had a hold on me, has been why I chose to put on weight. I have to share my story, to understand why I held onto it for so long.

You see, as a child, your looks or body, seemed to be your only value. I wanted my value to be my character, my personality, my brain, my honour and grace. But little by little as I matured and become more like a woman, men in the country are blunt, crude and I did not like it. It wasn’t anything other than, the remarks that cut through me, about my body, I was at the time 34, 20, 28 inches and I hated being seen.

I chose loose cloths when I could, but all I wanted, was to be free, to enjoy the times of enjoyment, not a chance to grope me or treat me like an object. It made my skin crawl, because of what I witnessed.

So, as I grew and felt nothing, I went through motions, got married (not ever feeling anything). I had children and again stayed in an abusive relationship, because I felt nothing.

Then, I stuck with it, you see, being big, you become invisible, you become the one watching, when no one is watching you. It is a sort of freedom, to just be…

So, I noticed, this last couple of weeks and months a change, you see, I get angry when someone comments on my weight, why, because I have felt, still not good enough.

But, knowing in part, they only want the best for me, but again, why am I not enough, what ever size I am. The man I married, made my skin crawl and I got fat for him to leave me alone, because even being the small size I was, he wanted more disgusting things from me.

So, after many many years of self hate, and abuse to me, I said to the Lord to help me.

I needed to let go, but when you have been doing the same thing, for so long, you cannot figure out how to get off the wheel.

Well, finally, I stopped hurting me, I realised I was doing this, for a kind of freedom, to just be.

I am sharing this, because this might help someone else. If my tears have to flow, to share the deepest parts, for my father voice and mine to be heard, then I will.

If I get up and don’t want to eat, I don’t, when I eat, I eat what is best for me, not because of someone else’s standard, that they feel I must adhere too.

If I get up and start my day with a glass of water and don’t eat till 2, then that’s OK, its about, listening to me, not anyone else.

Its about silencing the hater and making my voice, stand strong.

So, if I can give anyone advice, trust the father, trust the right time and season, for your time will come.

He will bring you through it all, and victory will come, let the love flow, between you both and what ever the outcome, its what your suppose to be.

And when it comes to that, its OK, to be me… because I am enough.

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