Hiding behind FAT

Yes, when I got married before in the world, there was a history of bad behaviour from men. So my response was, to hide.

Since I was 19 yrs old I have hidden, men do not noticed a fat woman. And that was comfortable to me. Yes I did get back for a short time, to my size 11.

But again, males were not kind, so now I buy cloths that cover and are decent, most I do not like, but they do the job.

When I see me, in the mirror, I do not like what I see. But again, when so many bad things have happened it becomes a comfortable familiar, that you hide behind.

So, last night I found myself wanting to look like what I know I feel under the fat layer.

I want to feel the smile, I know is hiding behind what I carry around and I want to do it for my hubby and for me.

I am stronger now, and if I do not like the way I am treated, I can make sure that I make my point LOUD AND CLEAR….

No one is ever fat because they want too, they are hiding, either illness or emotions, so be extra kind. It may make the difference…

I realised I can come across as confusing…my husband needs to know

The other night the Lord showed me, my response to things are not what is expected and that others cant take as the real response, the following is why I need help.

No, Na, Nope, now this may seem a bit daft to begin with but really people, don’t understand what I am getting at.

  1. No is the solid form meaning: not gonna happen. Or I am freaking out and better to say no, but you may need to chat more to find out why.
  2. Na is the meaning: thinking maybe yes, need more info before I confirm the outcome. Possibility is there always.
  3. Nope meaning: Maybe I did maybe I did not, I might be trying to be funny.

In all this I try very hard, but after years of finding the word NO, its really hard to flip that switch.

My concern is my hubby when he walks up to me, for a date. Oh lord your gonna have to help here. You see I get very embarrassed and nervous, so my instant reaction is NO, save myself from the first date, first kiss and getting to know me, it really freaks me out.

I am very worth the bother (I finally know my value), ask the father he knows. But I wish I could just go too, hi how about we get hitched, and find out after that, if the Lord shows us then who are we to question. I am very private when it comes to this, you ask me out in front of people I know, its gonna be a NO or I will make a joke to try and hide my reaction. I want the process to be private, so no body is hurt. I was never one to want to hold hands, kiss in public or have a cute name, its between me and them.

Going out, how hard is that, well allergies, motion sickness, nervous stomach are not good at all, omg too personal to share. I like to chat about interesting subjects or even my veggie patch, things of interest, and when I am nervous I talk fast (Oh lord the more I think about it, I am sitting here getting nervous). Its an inbuilt form of protection that sometimes I am not aware that I am doing till later. But Lord let my hubby know, I am a treasure worth the effort, and getting to really know me, will be surprising and valuable. If he gets a no, try again, find out why, is it really a no or am I having a panic attack.

Being very cheeky and dry sense of humour, the hardest thing is controlling myself, as I do not want to appear as if I am flirting. I don’t think I know how to flirt anyway, I always thought I was just being friendly, I would have no idea if someone was interested anyway, it takes a person to walk up and say, I am interested in dating you, I am totally oblivious. I think because as my body matured, at the time I really needed a true friend, someone to share my heart with, and I missed the knowledge of finding out someone is interested in me.

The main problem is I never felt really good enough about myself, so in my head, why would they want to be with me, must be just sex they want (before I surrendered to the Lord’s way). But coming through it all and finding my worth finally, he needs to really make the effort and it has to come from him as I would never ask anyone out, not gonna happen.

Sometimes people have thought I had feeling towards someone, instead I felt protective as a sister or friend, people don’t really know me when it comes to this.

I don’t want any of my feelings to come forward, until the father says, he is the one. Then I will sit back and go quiet, sounds a miracle I know, but I am a thinker. I go away think about it all, before I make the final decision, I do not rush into anything, wisdom has to rule here. I want to be sure, I have not only my children to consider but my journey in Christ.

I am sticking to this motto : I believe he gives you what you need, not what you want.

Devil will be shut down

Its ridiculous to me what the devil tries, even today.

He tries again and again, but nothing. I am firm as to where I stand and it will always be by my dad.

I will not let him shut me down, I will make sure he is shut down.

I confess the devil an idiot and he will not succeed. Because he has no remorse, guilt or smarts, he thinks oh then I will try this.

I declare it now, nothing and I mean nothing will move me. I make a decision and I stick like super glue.

So you idiot, hands off, I will not be giving you any power. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD.

I am born to win, so joy is mine. I will dance in the presence of my father, the three in one.

Are you here to waste, his time…

It’s a simple question, with such a power behind it.

We can either, exist or live. This may seem really basic, but sometimes we need to have the question asked.

The other night was a huge deal for me. I know something shifted, I came home and went boldly into the throne room.

I am not gonna let the prosecutor (the devil), win this case. I am going to have the verdict from the judge and I am gonna have the destiny that was written for me in the book.

You can either lay down and die.

Or get up and live, I will have the destiny that I was, destined to have. I am not going to tolerate anything less than, what is mine to have.

It says in his word and his word is life to our’s. So what are you gonna do?

If this short msg doesn’t get you moving, then I don’t think nothing will. People please wake up, if you haven’t already. Time is up and shaking is coming, you have to be ready.

I have seen warning from those around me, that they have not a heard too. Then when the warning happens they wonder why, please listen, please.

For I cannot leave my father, I cannot stop to pick anyone up along the way. You’re an adult, he wants mature people, please don’t miss this.

This proves I am only human

i really needed to push in yesterday, to find the sanctuary f God.

Why, my son hadn’t fully unpacked but what I heard was, bring over the 30 boxes and you can unpack. Not what he meant, to only unpack the kitchen things.

So he spoke to me not very nice and cracked it, to put it plainly.

The old me wanted to run away, because I was hurt and yes even cried. But the newme thought hang on, don’t let the devil in him get away with it.

So I walked down the very long dirt drive retrieved the bin, he came to me we discussed it. I gently told him that his tone can really hurt, that I was sorry for the miss understanding and said that’s it finished.

I didn’t yell or throw a wobbly like the old me would have, I thought that Jesus was gentle so too would I be.

So so this proves how human I am, I believe that this dark thing over him through those dark games is going to be removed.

But I am not going to be the bad guy here, I will let the love of the Lord shine through.

Forgiveness..God is speaking loud and clear

Yes, forgiveness was in yesterdays message.

I was telling the speaker through the week, how I saw that movie and lay myself out before the Lord, repented and was able to be free, to forgive.

The message is hard for those who have been hurt, trust me as you have read, I do know what I am talking about.

But ultimately, stay focused on his word, that will sustain you. Through every twist and turn, his word is the key to all.

God wants to stabilize YOUR faith and hold onto your integrity. He wants values to be put into us that are values that will stand the test of time.

He wants us to GROW UP and stand by his word, for he is in CONTROL of it all.

He wants to bless us above everything, remember he cannot lie.

And when you talk about God openly your name is written in the book of remembrance.

Once I was shown a vision by the Lord he took me to a place and showed me a book. It was huge and old, I knew it was important. What was wonderful about that vision, he showed me my name, written in it.

Oh father thank you for reminding me.

Stuggles are there to overcome

In my mind and reading his word a struggle has been over me.

I read the word saying about a woman of divorce, it was festering and telling me I was no good for anything.

That I was used goods and would never be able to have a marriage as, god intended.

What a blunt bold face lie, but the devil came in, sneaking and quietly, which I almost missed. But by God I am now aware of what has been going on and ENOUGH.

I was married before I gave my heart to the lord. Before I surrendered to his will and not mine.

I have made mistakes, there is a list. But when I gave myself to be baptised to the lord., that was washed away.

I have found this very difficult to get over, because growing up any little mistake you were never allowed to forget. You were tainted in away for life.

Lies all of it, before I was married by a celebrant. It was a loveless marriage of convenience for me, to get the hell out of home. (Long story)

Anyway, I thought and reading the word that it was too late for me. That I was not worthy or too much has past and that is could never be made right!!

Lie again, because my marriage was not blessed before the Lord it was as if it didn’t happen. Like a mirage in the desert, you know it’s there but isn’t really.

So, a sweet lady today gave me the key, the one I have been struggling to find.

I am now a new creation in christ who is my father and friend.

I am available to marry, the man my father has chosen.

I AM FREE at last, free I tell you. YEEHAA.. LOL

Jezebel, is that spirit over your life???

I have been fighting another battle that I was determined to win.

Do you want to rule over the men in your life or the situation?

Do you feel out of control but in control at the same time?

Is everyone around your always wrong and your always right?

Sound familiar to you and is everything slowing going too (sorry for this) crap..

Yes, I am going to hit something right between the eyes here. I know and have seen it over my own life, over people who I once knew and family members.

Well, feed her to the dogs. What did you say, again feed her to the dogs.

Admit where you have gone wrong and your faults because with that you can only move forward.

You can either constantly act like you’re the only one who is right, has morals or is perfect. Or you can admit all is only an illusion.

Be honest with yourself and others, for when you stand on truth it will set you free.

AGAIN, FEED HER TO THE DOGS for she will cause you only grief. Personally, it’s about time.

Stand for, his rights…

This is something that the Lord is working over time on me.

To stand in the midst of the battle, to trust what you cannot yet see.

To trust the process and my father.

To stand in a crowd and say, my fathers way is my only way.

Just follow and believe his word, to activate your life through it. Nothing can stop you then, this is the key that unlocks that door. The door in the spirit that was prophesied to me, that he would show me how to turn the key to open the door.

I just felt this in my spirit as I was typing, oh father, with tears in my eyes THANK YOU. Oh gracious love that surrounds me be with me always.

Thank you father for finally showing me, how.

The tears are really flowing now, what a blessing. I knew this blog was a way of unlocking doors, I didn’t know how, but I trusted my father, and here I sit.

Oh father let the doors swing wide and release the anointing on me.

God bless all today, last nights blood moon and eclipse are definitely a sign. Did you feel it???

Spread your wings

One thing that I felt is to get out more and meet new people. When I need to show confidence, then I do, but really I am not a confident person (that is about to change, I can feel it).

I feel like I have put myself in a bubble, to keep myself safe and get the basics right before the father.

But in doing so I have limited myself, so I need to spread my wings. If I don’t then how does the lord touch the heart of others through me?

I cannot just sit here typing out what I have learnt or feel to you alone.

Yes I do meet people, but I need to open right the way up. My father has a plan and I need to make myself more open and available.

I went out this week to meet someone, as you know from the word the Lord provides to his children. So off I went, a colleague said to me yesterday, xxx said ‘you were the nicest client she has ever met.’

That means the Lord in me has left a mark, the door has opened, it’s up to him what happens next.

But I am definitely ready to go…