Being a mum has been my biggest test, and the saddest at times.

I had to be really bold and blunt and have not received any response. I hated doing it, but knew this was my last shot at it.

I feel so very tired and drained and have become quiet short with others, who did not deserve it.

It would be OK I suppose if I had family or a hubby to fall back on, but I have only the father. And sometimes that feels such a wonderful place but also a very lonely place.

As I just typed that, I saw a kaleidoscope of colours, he reminded me of the poem, footprints.

Yes, I get it Lord but please, its time, I do not understand why, I am where I am, I do trust you with the outcome, but it gets really hard.

I sat in front of someone the other day and lost it, cried and I was embarrassed but so desperately required. I don’t like to cry in front of my friends, I hate to burden them with my journey. I know they have other matters and family who need them.

I know when it comes, I will be so blessed its not funny, but right now, I just need to let it go. I am sharing this moment to maybe help someone else, to know we all have times when we need a good cry and to just surrender.

I trust in the plan that the holy spirit has, I am just having a moment. I am a work in progress and human after all…

Be blessed.

I know when I am doing well, because I get in such pain. The enemy tries to stop me, but I will not stop.

Over the weekend, I felt so much pain, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not get out again. Nothing seemed to help me, but I kept going, I have no other option.

Sometimes, I walk around my house not being able to sit without yelling out in distress. I just wander around, because I feel beside myself and cannot make out what to do.

It sounds bad, trust me when I say, I pray you never have to deal with any of it.

But I trust his word and I feel change coming, so I hang on for dear life. What annoys me is, when asked to go anywhere, I melt down internally. Why, because I know what happens and I cannot portray enough, if you wake up yelping because you need to move, OMG.

I know I will be without pain, soon, I have to believe, when it seems impossible. For he makes the impossible, possible. Amen

Think of this movie, when he gave people everything they prayed for.

What happened…

When your in a high position and God is working through you, you cannot make everyone happy.

And those not in God, will make the most noise, but turn from them and trust.

Everyday you see news on Donald Trump, sorry but when your perfect, then you can throw that stone.

This man, I believe is being used to clean things up, he has to do things so out of character that it would be shocking. But sometimes, that is just what is required, as I have said before, I see him as God’s Garbologist.

This man was chosen to be the president, it was not his ego, for God would not allow it.

I believe God is working through him, sometimes you don’t like the correction, but he is our parent and we cannot see the plan he has for us.

But we have to trust as a child, and read the word to know he has our lives in his hands.

Be prepared for what is to come, and I keep hearing everyday.

EVERY KINGDOM WILL FALL, he is the only KING. So every person not of God, will loose it all. That is his prophetic word.

This simple word, fits me right at this moment in time.

I truly believe, therefore I receive, I accept the abundance of many things coming my way.

Not because I urn for material objects, or flash things. Because I am his daughter, its his abundance, he is just going to be using me to pass it on.

To show what can happen when you have him in your life, fully surrendered.

Having a child who grew up not taking no seriously is really hard. I remember having a call from a policeman, saying to me, that they were so young.

I had to say, you cannot discipline your child, or smack them to try and let them know that a smack is better than what can come. I said to him, this is only the tip of the ice burg. Do you have a bible, he said yes, I said do them a favour and hand it to them and tell them to read it.

Now I see over and over, children going into remand centres, not following the rules. Children doing all sorts of things and these are young adults now, they cannot hide behind there parents anymore. Rules need to be followed and obeyed, if you cannot follow the laws, how are you ever going to accept God’s laws.

We have to stop giving in, I grew up knowing the boundaries and what would happen if I went beyond them. I learned if you touch something hot, you would get burned, we grew up with led paint, all sorts of things. But we lived have manners and respect the rules.

Our children have been entrusted to us, and I believe strongly that they can be removed from us.

Having a child who, is again learning that if you go against the rules, you will find out you pay the price.

I had to be hard and stop the lies, I had to send a letter, strongly rebuking the enemy in them and stand up for what is right by the father.

I know I have hit the right button, because its all quiet, I may not be there most favourite person, but to love someone enough to be honest. Is pleasing in the sight of the Lord, I have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I will make sure I push the enemy out and the fathers glory in.. one way or the other.

I have been watching that show on 7 and how the feelings I get of panic, anxiety and to be aware comes one me.

I get a cold sweat and the childhood I grew up in, comes to light.

I don’t want you to feel sad for me, but I am glad of the training for the last days are here and those who are not aware will miss it.

Yes it was sad, watching my so called father, belt my mother and be directed by his mother to go home and sort her out. But it was not called domestic violence it was just marriage.

Being a child of it, you had to go into survival mode, know when to stick your head out and when to either run or hide. When to help mum, after the incident and never to talk about it. Either at school or to anyone outside, you knew that it could make it worse.

And because she didn’t bruise there was no evidence. But her inability to use an arm for a while.

But it gave me an ability to watch or how to react in a dangerous situation, most do not know this. I believe this will serve me well, and has given me such a strength that has stayed with me.

In my home, beside my bed I have a jack handle, that I have always had. You break in, you will leave with a headache, if I have the opportunity. I will not back down from a fight for my life and going after the father is my safety.

It says for those who earnestly seek him, will be saved.

But my mind is on many Christians who are just luke warm and will not be saved. They are more social than hard working, they are missing key factors here.

For those, even me, I am scared to think that I may not be one of them. For the last days are here and we cannot think anything else is going to come with us.

I am not driven by my looks or wealth, its him I choose for now and always. The last few days I have been feeling down and not worthy.

I need to pull myself out of it and give him the glory, for what he did for me, I just do not feel worthy.

But always remember, that he chose me. I am so glad I am where I am, he is strategically building the A team.

In my life, there has been pattern’s that have followed me and it has been a battle to break them.

Why this has come to mind is not only watching the ancestry programs, but also from personal knowledge.

Sometimes we just mention it, or live with it, but I again urge you to break the pattern.

I use to go for the expensive things, or think that I had achieved nothing, unless I had the best or appeared that way. What a lie of the enemy that is, a very wise man said this to me recently and I always go by the thinking of, its not what they say, but what they are saying.

I have seen so many miss the message, by what, not paying attention.

Pattern’s broken bring not only you freedom, but your children and their children, the Lord doesn’t care what you have or have not. He wants YOU, he wants you to show what you really desire, him or money driven material objects.

That’s the key, they are only objects, not really anything worth anything at all, really.

It doesn’t matter if I look my best everyday, if I then ignore him. He doesn’t care, what I am wearing today, if I then don’t spend time with him.

He does not care, if your the most popular or have rich friends, again are you getting the message..

I prayed that my child would give and surrender their life to the Lord.

I had to take another call and I was told that they did again, two church meetings and two pastor visits a week.

My prayer while on the phone, to truly humble themselves and repent, start again with a humble heart and stand strong.

I am leaving it to the father, I have lived through repeats before, this time is the last time. I feel it and I have warned, so its up to him.

For I do not fear or dread and I am not anxious, for my father knew me before I was in my mothers womb and also my child.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.