I have touched on parts of my life so far, but the big one is here to be dealt with. Something that has plagued me so far, but not anymore.
I am sharing this because I don’t know you, but if what I have been through helps you, then God wins again. And because of that, I will open my heart for you. No cost is too great for the glory of God.
Set the scene: I lived in a house, where my father abused my mother & at times us kids. He was not the only one who dealt out the abuse. I never felt safe, I always feared for my life. Not a nice way to live at all, I have touched on how a member of my family is a pedophile and I know full well, we all had to survive, one way or another growing up. My older siblings never built you up, they always tore you down or behaved like your enemy. With that I grew up not trusting anyone, I always seconded guessed everyone, because I always knew the people around me, had their own agenda and I would pay the price.
So in life when I was in the world, I have chosen relationships and situations that were familiar and I knew how to handle, but eventually you have to face the one thing that has messed with your head and has been their only from a culmination of events. Events that I could not control at the time, but which, I decided not to continue.
Continuing on: What is that, DEPRESSION, the one word I hate, more than any other.
(I have tried all my life to laugh it off or keep on smiling, so people wouldn’t worry, or question what, because that would have opened up too much for me to handle, when I was younger. I remember once thinking, I could have put actors to shame. Because I was never allowed to let anyone know, what went on behind closed doors, for the shame of it. So I made sure, I appeared to have no worries or concerns, but the opposite was true. My heart was belted into a pulp as a child, I remember having this cupboard in my mind and that everytime a hurt happened a bottle was filled, with what I felt and I was the only one with the key. The big ones I kept on the floor because I remember thinking if they break, I would too. The emotion was too much for me to handle, especially when I had no one to turn too or protect me.) Until he was their that day.
So I sit here today, a woman who seeks God, with all her heart and I know this is one thing, that the devil, uses this to mess me around. To bring up the past and to try, to mess with my future. But I am grown now and I know right from wrong, I will only have the very best.
And quiet frankly, I have had enough, I am not worthless, I am not left behind and I am sick of being lied too, by my thoughts.
I am me, the way I was made, perfect in his eyes, so shut up devil, get out of my life and mind. I am so so worthy, because he says so, the king of kings (my father), I am beautiful and I am not damaged goods, I am not on the shelf. I will prosper like no other, because I am doing it by his will. I will silence you, you have no power or authority, you have no conscience or guilt and it says you are done. So look out because I will finally be rid of you, I have a sword and shield in my hand, you will fear me, I do not fear you.
I will take on the gates of hell and prevail. My past does not dictate my future, but it has a bonus of giving me, so much strength that hell will tremble. I have a battle on my hands, but guess what, the good guy always wins and I am a WINNER.
Victory is mine and I take it with both hands.