This is a final statement put into print, because I am done (I am holding what the enemy brings to my mind as a lie). I am stating that the words in print are the truth as I see it.
Today of all days, I am reminded, reminded of when I became a mother for the first time.
My mum, god bless her, always found fault and not realising put pressure on an already overwhelming feeling, as a new mum.
Then I lived in a very bad relationship, mental and physically wrong. So what I had and did not know at the time, was post natal depression. I remember snapping and hating myself, all I kept thinking was, they will take my baby if they know, all I needed was help. I had a partner that threatened to throw his own child at the wall and did not want to partake at all, but gave his words freely, that chipped away. As a new mum, you just want to, not feel so tired, know you can trust those around you, to help and feel good when you have time to put clean cloths on, having the opposite is soul destroying.
So I sit here, being reminded and speaking my truth, twice I hurt my son and I have apologised, I have humbled myself and he told me it was fine, but having words twisted by others who wish to hurt, still can make someone un-forgive and that is hard.
It is hard when you read an obituary and you read a barrage of lies, the reason I am writing this is, I feel maybe my son or daughter will read this. You can never understand how hard it is to have a child, and have family around that are just waiting for you to stuff up and constantly pulling you down, all you want to do is protect your child and when you have this kind of depression, you can understand extreme ways other mothers think and react.
Through my life, the way, the truth has been distorted, has been almost unbelievable, because when you have the bold truth everything else seems so minor.
My truth is I made some bad mistakes, but I sit here knowing, I forgive myself, I forgive those around me, so self absorbed they would not help, and then adding a second child with issues like her father was beyond what I thought my worth.
But, I look back today of all days, knowing that I stood for both of them, I was buying a house, bringing them up alone and doing the best I could, what I am guilty of is silence. I stood up for them, but not me and in this time of speaking, this is it, I have owned this, I said sorry, I forgave myself, I live a life of truth and reading a barrel of lies irritates me, which I admit, oh lord I would love the cat out of their bag… but I bless them instead.
I have seen a sibling, violently shake their child, not once but many times, demanding them to eat or do what they have been told and then deny it.
What I am trying to get out of this is, we all make mistakes, but being able to see ourselves, from others point of view allows growth. Growth to own what has happened before and move on, to make sure the future is better.
Hanging onto the past is not growth and being right is not growth, living a lie is not growth. But standing up and putting into print your truth is growth.
So from this day forward, I am done with before, I am here for now and what’s next. I look for the sun, not the darkness and anyone reading this, I am not wallowing or reliving what has happened, I am stating my case and case closed.
Denial meaning: an unwillingness to accept that something unpleasant is true; we all must face truth, because it shows your maturity, age has nothing to do with it.