Yesterday I was discussing how I am making a stand, I regret the conversation, because you cannot share certain things.
All night I have felt a deep sadness, because I see my old self in the old thinking pattern.
I realise from experience that there is always more to know, but when it is no ones business, but you and the father it becomes a case of, I want to stop and not talk any more. I live as if with my father, so when I have to deal with something so minor and it really is, I have to step back and shut the heck up.
I know that someone has poisoned one’s mind, the other speaks the right words, but has nothing to back it up. I have had to realise, these past few weeks that if my son, cannot see the truth then that is up to him. I am not the enemy here, I put a lot into them and copped a lot and cried a lot, especially when their father would not participate in their lives, I know the pain in that.
But they are not children anymore, I did the best with what I had at the time. When they become adults they have to answer to him, when the time comes.
I will not stop my life, when I have surrendered it, to be pulled back and back and back. That is ridiculous to me, I am not going to force anyone to love me, because I have the word mother over me.
I mothered them, when everyone walked away. I may not have done everything right, but at least I have apologised and I leave the rest to the father.
It is time to put the responsibility in the right place, not the wrong.