Walking this walk has never been easy, it’s learning every day, and you can never ready yourself, for what might come.

I am reminded of this with times especially lately, you see I suffer with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and social anxiety. This came via trauma and not being allowed to deal with it.

In the last few weeks my depression wave hit, to anyone who has not experienced it, this is how it feels. I stopped walking through my little home and wham, it felt like I couldn’t move my legs, and felt like the blood drained from my body in the form of energy. I could not force myself to think, move or anything, all I could do was lay down, and go with it, I had no energy to fight, I just went to sleep for 5 hrs.

Then, for days after, you wake up, you need to rest after every exertion, toilet effort, showering exhausting, thinking about making food almost impossible.

I feel like this has come because of my life, I have run to do things, get things done and NOT TO REMEMBER.

Remembering, made me curl up in a ball and cry and feel deeply sad.

But, dealing with each step through my phycologist has opened a box full of things, that I didn’t understand before, you know, when your so close you cannot see the tree for the leaves.

But I know, boy do I know, this has been happening for a reason, I have always stood on this, what the devil uses for bad against me, God will flip it for his good. Because you cannot talk to a person, if you have not experienced it, for then you really do understand.

Being a light in this darkness, is what I am here for, I am here to show it does not define you. It strengthens you, beyond any way you imagine gaining strength from.

As I have said before, it feels like to me, like I clasp my fists and get ready to run into battle, it’s like getting a shield and sword in my hand and go right, it’s on.

One thing I know is, there are more than one way to fight, but you must not go in haste, you must hand it to the father, then be ready when he instructs it’s time.

I have said it once and I’ll probably say it again, this time of year is hard for me, many bad memories, the anxiety and mad people, drivers, kids, angry faces. It is really hard for me, and is a big hurdle every year.

Christmas should be filled with happy memories and cheer, for some it isn’t like that at all. But I must be happy for being here, that I can still get over this hurdle and appreciate the little things.

I have friends I use to go to church with and are so lovely, they invite me every year. My kids have their own lives, and it is less stressful, especially when they have two sides, so for years I have backed away.

I don’t have the power to fight an unknown source, so I leave it to God and just find joy in simple things, I like watching people, see how they work through this time of year. Especially those who I have noticed since living here.

I cannot get on board with the merchandising band wagon, I want someone to say, hey, I see your point and I get it.

So, as I deal with today, I pray you stop thinking about what you cannot do and just be thankful for what you do have. And remember just be blessed.

I have to be straight, because remember my old man was a compulsive liar. And I hated the manipulation of my other siblings to get their way and have no remorse for their wrongs.

When it comes to believing in Santa (you can also make satan out of the letters), we tell the kids to believe in a easter bunny, a tooth fairy, halloween etc and putting it bluntly it’s all lies.

Lies to our kids, lies to ourselves and creating a world where it’s fine to lie your butt off with no remorse.

You can pander to the machine in motion of spending money, or you can be bold and tell the truth.

Christmas is to celebrate coming together to share in a day picked to remember and to praise Jesus. you keep your tooth, so your parents know you haven’t swallowed it, easter is remembering his sacrifice, that he died a excruciating death for you and rose again, because he is the son of God, that is God.

How hard is it to be real, have we got so off track, that we lie so easy.

My mum would go shopping and ask me to come along to help her, if she chose an item and asked what I thought, I would be kind but truthful. And if she got offended, I would ask her, mum would you like me to lie to you, or tell you the truth. She would always, ask for the truth, and know that when I said, she looked beautiful, I meant every word.

I find, telling the truth, is not hard, just deliver it well. And know, when your truthful, God is taking account and tallying up all your wrongs and rights.

Sometimes the sheer lengths he goes to, to give you a message to me is beautiful.

It’s kind of funny, the little hints, like hello are you paying attention Bronie.

I find more and more, if I slow down, he has many things to show me, how he puts things in front of me and shows me another way.

Why, because we as humans always think we know the way, but really, we have no real clue at all.

I love it, I love the way he gives me an answer, how he shows me the way. It’s so tender, so gentle and sometimes, he is bam, HELLO. I have to laugh, it’s like having a friend you don’t see, but know there is no other way the message can be formed, because he gives you a second to confirm.

I do wish this time of year many pay attention and be open minded, because his love for you is beautiful.

Just breath, just be and trust him.

As I finished writing the last post, I got this, whatever era your life is in right now, count your blessings.

For, how you take each lesson on, is how your future plays out.

It is very much a lesson to learn and to keep in a safe place, for his lessons are the very best and needed even when we cannot see it YET…

God gives each one of us, gifts and talents to use, and build upon.

So, I had my monthly doctors visit and yes, many times, I think I am there to show how my faith keeps it real.

At my local doctors the receptionists, one has been so nice to me, so understanding and I found out last minute she was having twins.

My brain goes into auto pilot, what can I do that is low on cost, but meaningful as a gift. I found a bag on YouTube nappy bag, but I had to adjust it, I finished off two blankets, I had things sitting not finished, so it was a great find, making a simple bag, out of my stash of material. The worst part is it takes me a month, to sew something that would only take another a couple of hours. I know a few tricks that can take something that looks hard to simple zip zip and done.

I went online and found some muslin washers, summer outfits and then took it in with a big ribbon wrapped up. Funny, left it with my doctor, and she was raving about it, I told her not to look to close.

My mum taught me how to sew, then sewing was at school. One of my many jobs over the years was in a clothing factory, one machine no one else could master but I did. Even the bosses couldn’t figure it out, so when I left, they asked me back to train someone, because when you have a contract, it even comes down to 2 or 4 stitches over the tag to finish or amount of fabric sleeve length finished etc.

And, with my brain, if I can see it done, I know I can make it, and luckily most things I do laying down.

The excitement over what I never notice as a gift, I count this another blessing, not to make myself feel important or proud, but to bless someone else.

My gifts hospitality, cooking, sewing making thinks, this could be as simple as a bouquet of flowers from the garden. I know how to put things together to look really expensive, but cost is minimal.

This is an example a cheap box from what we call the reject shop, and tissue paper, get some of those truffle chocolates. Look in the kitchen aisle and see what you may be able to pick up to add in, A nice box open with tissue paper, a bottle of wine, glasses and truffle chocolate and maybe a xmas bit of bling included and clear cellophane and tie it up. It looks expensive but the last one I made in total cost me $12.

I like not buying what everyone else has, but making an original, because every person is individual and deserves something made with them in mind.

As I shop, an expensive looking candle half price or more, a mug and some home cooking (biscuits or slice) and some chocolates, made to look expensive and wholla.

After writing this, thank you father for granting me these gifts, it has brought joy to others and to me.

Sometimes it is very hard to figure out why certain things happen.

My car engine, when it died, somewhere inside of me, I knew the answer would be sitting waiting for it to come to a revelation, I just had to wait.

Sitting here this morning, it came to me, you see this time of year I don’t like it. Why, christmas has always had the worst memories, so all the people rushing around, my brain goes, nope I’m out of here.

Back to the point in question here, my car engine dying, it was God that kept it going, even my mechanic had to agree.

The blessing I found is, not being able to go out and be around all the madness, it is such a great gift, because with my PTSD, kids running around in aisles etc, nope I get so overwhelmed.

Instead, I have got on board with many deliveries which has been absolutely fabulous, but when I have had appointments, calling a taxi when I absolutely have no choice. Then I spread the blessing of God and his goodness.

So many people go overboard trying to do the best they can, but they get so stressed, so cranky, to me it doesn’t seem worth it.

And missing the point of the day, seems so obvious to me. But, I have found to shut up, the worst part is not being able to go out and find those hamper stuffers, my knees have really not been happy.

We have had a lot of cold days, then hot and back to cold. I am constantly checking my phone weather app to see what the heck it’s doing, even when it says it is not going to rain, you get a quick shower, it is not normal summer. But again, that in itself has been a blessing because 35C days are very hard to manage, especially as I cannot find my fan plug, I put it somewhere sensible. HA, wherever that may be lol.

The point, I keep thinking about is, everything is not done to you, it’s done for you.

This tidbit of wisdom is key to understanding that God is in control, not you for his plan for your life is all laid out, you have just got to be patient.

Trust is something I had to relearn, because it had been stolen.

Trust is a very important word and thing, it is a strong foundation for our lives.

But, the most important thing is, trusting the father, when you see all Kaos abound. For he has you, sometimes we have to go through a journey, to understand what the result is and to be able to transfer that understanding to whomever it may require.

Trust is something, that is worth the weight of gold.

Today, we forget respect, honour, trust, joy and kindness are key ingredients that make you the person you are.

A few weeks ago, I came across a lady I use to work with, we got chatting standing in line and as I left, the assistant said to her, “she is so nice” and the lady I worked with said, “Yes, she really is nice”.

That little comment, is not from me trying to be anything I am not, it’s not me trying to spread a vision of what I want people to think, it’s just me being me and hearing that, filled my heart with a hug.

Why is the last sentence put in, because I always have had to say this to a certain sibling. Who would try and take that comment and slice it up, because they wanted to control the outcome. Which is so absurd to many of us, but when your around it, your brain says, what the hell is wrong with you.

I go out and be kind to those serving me, or are around me, why, because I would want to be treated that way. And when it comes down to it, what would Jesus do…

I always wanted a relationship that many have, a closeness.

But, when you have a daughter that is damaged mentally, you know the limits.

I have to accept certain responses and know it is all I am going to get. There is not a fluid conversation and that I understand.

Recently she had a medical emergency and what did I do, go to the father, I will not feed into some emotional baggage. So, I call on him, I call on the understanding that whatever is to come, he is in control, not me.

When I told him, I trust him with my life, my children’s life and now my grandchildren, I meant every word.

It’s like when I said that I surrender my life to him, it does not, (to me) mean that I surrender until something else comes along, oh no. It means that I surrender, all of me, mind body and soul.

Some people need a husband, some need to have those around them to fill and emptiness they have. But, I need him, more than words, I need him, I need to be with him, it’s a drive in me, like nothing else.

So, as I prayed, I sit in trust, for whatever lesson or path, which he has planned, I sit in peace knowing he has me, all the way.

This is something I struggle with, why, I have dealt with many people who think, they can lie to me and I will be none the wiser.

Well, this little duckie knows and sees your lies.

Why has this come about, recently a close person lied to me, and I know my father is not having any of it. I can warn them, catch them out and say something, but it doesn’t stop and for that they have to learn a lesson, that only the father can give.

I always think this way, you’re not just lying to me, your lying to the father and that is not on.

This has struck me because of the part in the bible where it says, if you hate your brother then you have lied to the Lord.

Now, I had to very much take this and digest it, then I came up with a peaceful resolution. I love my brother for the person he could have been, not the one I had experienced and that grants me to love, but to cut through any bad energy.

It’s not easy in any way shape or form to step into this arena, but when my father speaks, I have to find a way.

I extend this to my sister, I can love her, but I know that is as far as it goes.

I am a person that if I love you, I am all in, if you break my trust, your tolerated, if you lie, to me or think I am a puppet in your game and do the worst imaginable, I’m out for life.

I understand so much of my mum now, it takes time to understand, but I get it…