How something brings epiphany

Now I struggle some what with sleep, nightmares and flashbacks.

Yep, I have said it now, I have avoided people, reminders etc etc.

And, not knowing why as I age, it comes back more and more.

Well, PTSD, when something I feel is too much, I shake physically, I have trouble sleeping when its dark, I am not just a light sleeper, but hyper vigilant. Any sound, crack movement, I am awake and start to sweat, never knew why, knew where it came from, but I also asked our dad.

I wanted to know what was going on, because once you know, you can deal with it. And deal with it, I am, it had to come to the light and when you have not gone through something, that you know is affecting you now. You have to awaken, that part to then start to heal.

And he knows, I am asking even if it hurts, it will only hurt for a short time.

I trust him, and he knows it, so he leads me to where I need to be, slowly but surely. And the right season is here today… for that I am truly thankful.

How wonderful, he really is…

We forget, many times when we think of something, then forget it.

I always chat to him, my relationship is truly, my most precious posession.

I have to use spelt flour and the one brand is hard to get, so I asked, “Father I need more” and chatted to him about other things I was wanting.

Last week I was out, having to shop and making sure, I was open to a conversation with him.

Then I got, NQR, its our Not quiet right store, which is handy and fun, you never know what your going to find, so as I left Vinnies, and I got that msg. I went in, thinking logically, what am I hear for and turned the corner to go into the next isle, what is on the shelf, SPELT FLOUR in the brand I wanted, I shouted a whoo hoo and laughed, then went back a couple of days later and caramel milk bits for the biscuits I wanted to try and make, it was on the shelf $2 a 260g pkt.

I had to tell everyone who was looking at me, because I will not remain silent, when my father delivers. They might think I am nuts, loud or just hilarious, but I don’t care, I need them to know, when you ask, he delivers every time.

When I was in Vinne’s, my mum use to have these knifes, with bone handles. And I asked again, “Lord it would comfort me to find some, if you see fit to do so” and again, here they are sitting and waiting for me.

How wonderful is he, to think of me and know, its not me asking for a mansion or a fancy car, but little things, that can mean so much more.

Hes just gorgeous… isn’t he.

Hidden secrets

I was just watching a show called the missing children, it is about a place called Tuam in Ireland and this is my personal view.

Now, I don’t know about you, but something keeps rising within me, this is what is on the web below and one woman’s task of uncovering, 796 babies bodies dumped in a septic tank.

(The Bon Secours Mother and Baby Home that operated between 1925 and 1961 in the town of Tuam, County Galway, Ireland, was a maternity home for unmarried mothers and their children. The Home was run by the Bon Secours Sisters, a religious order of Catholic nuns, that also operated the Grove)

It also showed how records are showing missing information or alleged forgery, and what got me was the Irish Government sealing the documents for 30 years, what on earth, ooohhh I am getting angry.

It amazes me time and time again, how history shows, how man has screwed people religious beliefs and used it against them, instead of kindness, they enforced the worst on children and starved them, but stating they were trained nuns in nursing (xxxxxxxxxx).

Now, seeing that the state paid them to care for the children, priests signing death notices and NO ONE STOOD UP AND QUESTIONED ANYTHING. Trying to show how righteous they were and squeaky clean, but instead, so very dirty with blood.

I keep going back to judgement day, think of doing this, then facing the father, OMG I would not want to be them, for I believe, I know where they are now. And how dare they cover up, what are they trying to do, what secrets are hidden.

I pray by the blood of Jesus, this is exposed in the loudest courts on earth and that those children’s blood, that cries out, is satisfied with JUSTICE.

For the living who survived, treating them as though they have, no rights, still, “Justice will be done on earth as it is in heaven”, and this is where money, by billionaires should be used to speak up, loudly.

But again, justice, for all the money that was used unjustly, should be used to give these children’s DNA, a right and a blessed burial. And all those who are hiding behind walls (there was also a statement saying they buried bodies in walls), you cannot hide the truth from the father, he is jealous of those little children.

It really makes me sad, to think a church or a organisation is built on lies, deception, corruption, and not given light, well I call upon the light of my father, to be shined on this matter and those who took money, with blood on it, should pay for the work to be done, IF they are truly sorry.

Money talks and those with money can do significant good, it just takes, heart, honesty, integrity, and JUSTICE, plus continual lecturing and support of those victims to have JUSTICE SERVED.

A crime is a crime, whether you wear a black robe or not…

Wills…..

Recently the topic came up about Wills and how morbid the thinking can be.

But, I say it is your choice of where you want, what to go & I will not be conformed via elder abuse.

With me, currently speaking I don’t have a lot and plan to get rid of most things, and I said that I would not be leaving anything to my children. Because of what is going on, today of all days, as yesterday I felt good, with what I was wearing, the enemy tried to attack me today.

I have to stand alone and stand strong, because I am tired of being walked over. And I was brought up to stand on your word, its part of your character.

On my way home, I stopped off and grabbed a quick sundae, I needed something sweet to make me feel better.

Lord, I do not understand why… and you know my question. I need to remove the poverty off my life, you say if the thief be found he must RESTORE 7 FOLD, so Lord anytime would be good.

How do you get Cervical Cancer?

This is a post from my facebook page, this is when I realised, that God was real and he had me. It hit home, that my life was on the line, and he was the only way, this is before I surrendered my life to him, for he saved me and my daughter.

Let me share my very personal history, because if it saves a life, then it is worth it, for the safety of girls who read this and my daughter….

How do you get Cervical Cancer? And every female in my linage has had scares from it.

A male carrying the virus Human papillomavirus (HPV) is how, men need to make sure they clean, every crevice down stairs, ladies train your sons (I made sure, I hammered it into my son)…

Being absolutely transparent here, I lived in the world and out of 5 partners (I’m making a point as to why I am opening up), it only takes one, to transmit it.

To anyone and everyone, make sure you get checked, in my line, it has to be every year, because we are exceptional. My mothers hysterectomy, she died 3 times on the table.

And unless you test positive, to the cells, doctors will not tell you, that you have the virus, because unless they trace the reports, they are also uninformed – so trace your pap smear reports, your history will show any evidence of this virus.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, at 5 weeks I had a pap smear (told that the baby would be OK), this came back showing evidence, I was only a month or so pregnant and in having a biopsy, this came back, High Risk.

Yes the C word was spoken (this is something, I never told my mum at the time or anyone, I down played any questions, because I was not going to give this thing any power over me, I can be one stubborn mule when I make my mind up), I was told, it was no good having a baby, without a mum (at the time, I felt a wave of peace, and I held onto that).

So at 5 weeks old, after my daughters birth, I was in hospital having it burned off, via a laser, getting more biopsy’s taken.

I had doctors freaking out, but I was calm, because I knew, someone was in charge of my life and I really prayed, same when they expected me to loose my son at 3 months.

But that virus was still in there, so 2017 came around, and finally via a full hysterectomy, the threat was removed.

But because of my history, I still need to be vigilant.

Unless your informed, you can walk around oblivious and knowledge saves lives.

So regardless of any embarrassment that I may feel, or you may baulk at this overshare, this message MUST be shared.

Feeling the chains loosen their grip

I was watching Adele one night only on repeat and one thing crossed my mind, and then I felt the chains loosen their hold on me.

My last post, I had to face evil head on, I had to show it, that I hold no fear or shame. I had to show, that through it all, my father will carry me.

And with that, the hold is no more…

I keep telling people, face your fear, and that fear will break its hold. It sounds bizarre and I knew, that I had to face my fear, but his truth, will set you free, freedom comes with boldness and total trust.

And I trust my dad, I trust his procedure in my life. I know that at the right times, things will fall away and as I let it happen, it happens when I least expect it.

What has had a hold on me, has been why I chose to put on weight. I have to share my story, to understand why I held onto it for so long.

You see, as a child, your looks or body, seemed to be your only value. I wanted my value to be my character, my personality, my brain, my honour and grace. But little by little as I matured and become more like a woman, men in the country are blunt, crude and I did not like it. It wasn’t anything other than, the remarks that cut through me, about my body, I was at the time 34, 20, 28 inches and I hated being seen.

I chose loose cloths when I could, but all I wanted, was to be free, to enjoy the times of enjoyment, not a chance to grope me or treat me like an object. It made my skin crawl, because of what I witnessed.

So, as I grew and felt nothing, I went through motions, got married (not ever feeling anything). I had children and again stayed in an abusive relationship, because I felt nothing.

Then, I stuck with it, you see, being big, you become invisible, you become the one watching, when no one is watching you. It is a sort of freedom, to just be…

So, I noticed, this last couple of weeks and months a change, you see, I get angry when someone comments on my weight, why, because I have felt, still not good enough.

But, knowing in part, they only want the best for me, but again, why am I not enough, what ever size I am. The man I married, made my skin crawl and I got fat for him to leave me alone, because even being the small size I was, he wanted more disgusting things from me.

So, after many many years of self hate, and abuse to me, I said to the Lord to help me.

I needed to let go, but when you have been doing the same thing, for so long, you cannot figure out how to get off the wheel.

Well, finally, I stopped hurting me, I realised I was doing this, for a kind of freedom, to just be.

I am sharing this, because this might help someone else. If my tears have to flow, to share the deepest parts, for my father voice and mine to be heard, then I will.

If I get up and don’t want to eat, I don’t, when I eat, I eat what is best for me, not because of someone else’s standard, that they feel I must adhere too.

If I get up and start my day with a glass of water and don’t eat till 2, then that’s OK, its about, listening to me, not anyone else.

Its about silencing the hater and making my voice, stand strong.

So, if I can give anyone advice, trust the father, trust the right time and season, for your time will come.

He will bring you through it all, and victory will come, let the love flow, between you both and what ever the outcome, its what your suppose to be.

And when it comes to that, its OK, to be me… because I am enough.

Anxiety is evil…

I have really bad anxiety at times and depression occasionally.

Why, the past has left its mark, but I pray every time that the Lord releases this from me. If I am pushed or have to do something by a certain time, I can feel myself curl up in a ball inside.

It is something I must share, why because only when the hidden things of darkness are exposed can they be dealt with.

It blocks me like a vice, I feel totally debilitated at times, but I have to hang onto the Lord.

I know the enemy is trying to stop me, again and again and the best thing to do is just let my father deal with it. Sometimes it feels like a cloud that comes on me, but I have to fight, for my right to have freedom.

And by my words and that of my father, I will….

What about his race…

This is something I have been thinking about since the new year started.

What about the race, the one you agreed on, when your scroll what written.

Have you been, like me at times, sitting on the side line, wondering if your worthy to participate.

I remember when I was younger, all I wanted to do as a hobby was run, problem my ankles would pop and I would fall over. But when I did run in races, I could never be first, but I kept thinking as a youngster, just FINISH.

I was always good at marathons at school, why, because I listened to my body, I chugged along and when it counted, burst for the last couple of meters.

I felt good, because I finished, not trying to win, not trying to be the best in others eyes, just running my race.

This morning I was reminded of this, to RUN YOUR OWN RACE. The one you agreed on, and this is to me as much as anyone.

Stop sitting and questioning, just line up and participate, be part of the race, but make sure your RUN YOUR RACE.

So, as I am about to go today, I have seen myself lined up at the starting line, its not about what others see, its about you and him and the race, you signed up too…

Have a great day and RUNNNNNNNN lol