Something I miss since my thyroid operation is my voice, I am still very quiet and cannot sing as yet.

Still trying to tackle the talking first, something they do not tell you before hand is how different it is and how to bring something back.

Before I made sure I sung, at the top of my range and so loud, just encase I could not do it again.

But, what has been best is this, I was at a friends house yesterday for a short while, trying to get out of the house.

I have been praying for her daughters and my own, was how the lord works. She told me what is going on, and I told her what I had been praying for and it is coming to pass, also with my own.

As I keep saying, you have got to love his work, as I told her, I could do nothing else, but when I felt the need, I have at least been praying.

I was worried that when I had no energy even for faith, that I lost my link to him. This validation was inspiring and when I was watching shorts on youtube, a message kept coming that was all I had been worried about, you cannot make this stuff up…

Praise him always…

I was about to go and its struck me, how weird my body behaves.

And I was wondering what happens to anyone else and are they the same, I am allergic to coconut, shell fish, mushrooms, lactose, wheat, etc etc.

What I always try and figure out is why, why my body when I have too eat wheat feels toxic, I cannot close my mouth, its stings and feels acidic, my feet sweat and smell like a dead boy, my stomach is roar and I feel so yuk I cannot explain.

Coconut is the most dangerous, when I was in hospital, telling them I am allergic to anti inflammatory, then they bring me a curry, which is a natural anti inflammatory, I was vomiting, and started to feel those listed reactions. They are not set up for me, next time I will take my own things in, I have too, no other option.

If it was one thing, it might be ok, but I have a small list of what I can have and I must stick to it, I was sent to a dietitian and she didn’t know what to do, because every suggestion was a no from me.

It has been suggested that what I was exposed to as a fetus or child could have caused it. All I know is this, I do not eat out, if I do, I know what is going to happen.

It is not just food, medications, chemicals in the home or outside, and clothing, anything really that I can come in contact with…

Oh what fun,,,,,,,,,,,

As you may have read, its been really hard, my thyroid has been a nightmare of sorts, because of its affect on my body and mind.

With the added burden of little sleep on top of all that, I was done, I didn’t have any energy for anything or anyone. And I thought I was going to die…

I have since had it removed, and I am no longer chocking on it, feeling dizzy, but trying to heal while using a cpap sleep machine has been so hard.

I worked out yesterday that I was only getting about 2hrs 17mins of broken sleep a night, put that against a persons 8 solid hours and you may come close to understand, how tired I had become. In a week someone gets close to 48 to 50 hrs of sleep, solid sleep. I was living on 24 and struggling with every step I took.

Physical and mental exhaustion is a real thing, when I was doodling away yesterday working it out, I was shocked, but realised why I kept falling asleep, why driving was so scary and why I could not function at all.

Last week I had to go for a review and they are not happy with the blood work, so if you can please pray. I cannot do this again, mentally its too much, I am anxious, panicky etc etc. But I have to rely on the father, I have to come back to him and trust. I have nothing else but him and its what has got me through, along with a friends kind words.

Today is a milestone, but I keep wondering, how long for my body to feel energy at all. I think back and I have had trouble sleeping since I was in my 20’s, so its not going to be in a hurry, yesterday was a first, I only napped once, compared to 5 times in a day.

But going from 43 episodes to 3-8 is so much better, I was so scared to drive, having to pull over and take a few minutes or shake myself, not driving out of town, other drivers scare me, when they do scary things, then an attack happens and I start shaking, if they only knew, how hard it is.

Just do what you say, TRUST.

Don’t try and figure him out, don’t try and be his CEO, don’t worry about what is to come or what will happen.

Just TRUST, trust him to have you, trust him to use you when its time and get off the band wagon, stop following along because its what, has always been done.

Form a relationship with him, form a bond above all others, trust him and never let go.

Just do it, for we as humans can never come close to understanding what is next, give all your desires up and just be in the moment, for it has been proven to me, you get far more in life, that if you strive for perfection, material possessions or money.

I get my strength, in the knowledge that he has me, that I heard his voice, knowing that when I go through a hard time, where I feel, all I can do is breath.

He is building a warrior, someone who will fight his way, who will not run and hide, but who will make sure, she has her ammunition ready, not the worlds kind, but his.

So as I go threw the hard training, like an SAS agent, I know, he is going to use it, and I don’t have to work out how or why, all I have to do, is be ready and willing.

To stand, when others say they will, but are no where to be seen, when its required, I have a love. A love, only I understand, because, my life is his, when I said I surrender, I gave it all. So how can I loose, because if my life ends, my real life starts with him…

That knowledge, gives me the strength, I cannot deny…

Sometimes I sit here, not knowing what to write, or whether any of it will help a stranger, who falls onto this site.

But one thing, one thing that has always grown in me, when others run from the battle, I stand, scope the landscape, use all my senses and do what needs to be done.

Like the time shortly after I moved here, next door had a young man in there, well he must have done something to upset another, because a young guy with a metal baseball bat, used it to smash his car, that was out the front of his house, the mail box came off second best and he kept yelling, “he was going to kill him” all I kept thinking was, get a site line, see who he is, and you could tell he was under the influence of drugs. But after what seemed like hours, I had, had enough.

Yes, I called the police, but when his friends tried to call him away, I knew I was safe enough and to make sure my exit line back into the house was clear, just encase.

So, I went half way up my driveway, and I boldly and with authority, told him “to go home” he kept on about going to kill him, “I said no your not, your going to go home”. I made sure I repeated myself. When he finally left, I watched from my blackened room, where he went and made a data information memory for when the police arrived, clear and direct as they required.

Lucky my house has bedrooms at the front and you can see through a slit, but I got Jack of it (means had enough). I thought to myself, I am having cold sweats, I have anxiety through the roof, then I thought, I have lived all my life in fear and the police are in another area and can’t come now. So I am taking the power back, and thank the father it worked.

The police woman, came once the sun came out and asked me questions, she said the guy heard you, confronting the young man, I said where was he, she said, “hiding under the bed”. She said to me “please don’t do that again” but as I said, “he didn’t want to kill me, just him and I wasn’t taking it anymore”.

I did understand where she was coming from, but I get to a point, right I’m game, lets go. And I will do it in the safest way, but enough… with my father, I have his protection. For I stand on the fact he is a jealous god and loves me, and he knows when push comes to shove, I will stand on solid ground.

I might have shared how I am seeing someone to deal with my nightmares of the past, that have disturbed me, since I can remember.

What astounded me yesterday was this, I have been given the freedom to feel it all, deal with it properly and put it to bed.

This has made it so hard, but I know it is for my greater good, and in some part of me, the knowledge that once I have conquered it, it can be used by the father, for the greater good.

Why is this important to me, its simple, what the enemy used to try and destroy me, I will boldly use for my fathers manual for others.

I have lived a life where, don’t cry its a sign of weakness, don’t talk about it, just put a smile on your face and ACT everything is fine. Well that only works for so long, and you should deal with it, then and there, not allowing it to fester like a sore on your butt.

We need to move emotion to its place and leave it at the gate, so when the next thing happens, your ready and well adjusted.

I have been thinking of my mum a lot lately, and writing this I have come to an understanding as to this. She did not know how to deal with her trauma, so when it came to me, she just did what she knew worked for her.

When you realise, how people manage, what has astounded me is, I have done the right thing, without even realising it. I have put processes in place, that I wanted to use, to get out of this toxic pattern that had been established by my family. Who give days of our lives a run for its money as a story line.

Mum, god bless her, did not start on the start line, that normal people would have, she was damaged before she had any of us, one thing I remember her keeping was a note I had attached to a card. This I found after she had passed away, because she always asked herself, how did she go so wrong, having kids that were not of her liking. She said to me, I only had two kids, Larry and you, the first and the last. (Just writing this, makes me think of the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end.) She wanted a big family, full of love, instead she got as she said, “the lies, manipulation and bullshit coming out of there mouth, they are not mine” and she had disengaged from any feeling towards them and an intolerance of sorts. Because, she had been made to feel a lesser individual, because the standard of her living wasn’t up to them, what I saw was a woman who faught for everything she had, and was happy in that, something that was enough for her.

I only wish, lessons she taught me, show up as I deal with my reality of my history. In the knowledge, I will make sure, I leave nothing left unsaid, or anything not revealed as truth. Because, in a long line, it is time, time to take the power back and build a new history of change…

When I have pain, (I am allergic to anti inflammatory drugs or natural) I think of Jesus, taking all that on his body, how they violated the one, the one that gave his life for all of us.

Then, I get start to growl, I cry out to the one, I cry out and shout, I will not have this, this is not mine, he took this on his body and I will not tolerate it any longer.

Sometimes it lessons, other times, I take a pain pill, this is me being honest, but I always know this, HE HAS ME.

Its like when I was in labour with my daughter, I remembered the pain, I knew what was to come and I told myself, you did it once before, so instead of freaking out, manage it, draw on that strength every woman possesses and get it done, because the faster you accept it, the faster its done.

And I did it without gas or an epidural, because I kept thinking, I am woman hear me roar.

You see, as my mum always said, “its mind over matter, you have the power” you rule, not your body. This makes sense if I had the time, but butt is starting to twitch, so this is me for the day, love to all.

And remember this easter, celebrate him, not the chocolate.

I was just sitting here, as its a better day to be able to sit (I have arthritis in my lower back-tail bone and front pelvis) this is to explain why sitting becomes unbearable.

I lost my level of faith, yes I have to write it down to admit it, me who was so fired up about the father, had a lull in faith. Why, I got so consumed by past life, as I was allowed to feel every emotion, that was quashed, all that long ago.

You see, I was told to act that everything was fine and dandy, well, I found out that once your allowed to feel it, it hits you hard, I have had really bad anxiety, depression and panic attacks like never before. I had acted for so long, I forgot how to go through the process of NORMALCY in emotions.

So, that test came along and I felt like I was going to fall off the wagon, as one would say. I need to say this, because if anyone has been there, knows it can become all consuming.

And, then I couldn’t do anything, I had not lost the belief that the father would bring me through, but boy, was it the hardest thing to do. I know this, I am not done yet, I have to manage how to deal with the simplest of tasks, like appointments.

I have learned one thing, you never know or can explain, how it feels, or how to go from day to day. I knew many years ago about people who might just give up, because it is really hard.

But one thing that has held me is this, the time he spoke to me, when I was a child and broken. The other thing that has just come to mind is this, he will never leave you or forsake you, just HOLD ON.

If the powers that be knew, what damage domestic violence, sexual assault, living with a pedophile etc can do to your mental state, they would make changes, today, but you really haven’t got a clue, until you have lived it.

For anyone who has felt this way or is struggling, know he has you, just breath, just live in the next 10 minutes, then do the next. Cut your day into bits, laugh at your struggles, why because they belong to the enemy and he can have it all…

Coercion is the act or process of persuading someone forcefully to do something that they do not want to do. It was vital that the elections should be free of coercion or intimidation. Synonyms: force, pressure, threats, bullying More Synonyms of coercion.

I might have posted this before, but it rings true.

For those women and men or live in fear, need to know the law will stand up for them, for their life and be used to save it.