Tag Archives: life

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How God works for you…

I was reminded about a time when I was in labour with my son, because I had, had so many problems carrying him, the birth was just another episode.

What was brought to my remembrance was his birth, in the country hospital there were two rooms for birthing. Another lady was brought in and my doctor was going back and forth to each room.

He mentioned at the time, one of us would contract then the other, he was betting on who would be first, he said the lady in the other room.

At one point, I told him I felt like I was going to burst, he looked at me and said, “scissors” and snipped the area to expand for delivery, I let out a huge “yeow’ and everyone in the room looked stunned, I knew there was no time for numbing.

And then the most amazing thing happened just when I needed God the most and didn’t know it, the lady who was really going strong, her labour stopped for 15 minutes.

This was the time that the doctor needed with me, when he was born, the cord was cut, and he stopped breathing for 7.5 minutes. My doctor was not one to be rattled, but he knew, what did he know, well from conception, then nearly losing him at 2.5-3 months.

How sick I was, and the relationship I was in and how much stress I was under.

But once he started to breath, they all fell in love with him, and then the other lady’s delivery happened, even my doctor said, this was divine intervention, I did not understand it then, but yesterday, how awesome.

Some babies are just different. And he was beautiful, one of the nursing staff would come in and ask to cuddle him, then she was in line to change him and give him a bath, it was lovely. They all stated how he would wake up, and if no one came and got him to feed he’d just go back to sleep.

He was so calm and so gorgeous, trust me this was not just me. But when we were going home, he cried for the first time. One of the nurses said, that he must know something is changing.

I thought a father should love their baby, but not all men are created equal, and I was going through so much, that being in the midst of it all you cannot label it, but your just manage each moment.

How good was God, to stop the other lady and leave time for my son to have all the attention to get him breathing and take care of my stitches etc and then he was free to care for the other room.

Thank you, father, so much, my son may not be aware of this, but one day I pray, he understands, just what a miracle he is.

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I had to laugh…

A week or so ago, I saw someone and the look, as this person will not wear glasses to see because of vanity, was squinting trying to see if it was me.

My instant reaction was a noise and I realised, I aint scared of them anymore. It may have taken a life time but, I am not scared to respond and they would not want to poke the bear. I have spoken the truth and I am not afraid to open the windows of the lies told.

All my life I have been like on that, you’ve got mail movie. Gobsmacked enough to be unable to respond, well that is no longer the case.

I was always the little girl, shutting up, when I knew a hell of a lot more and could not believe the audacity.

I sit here reflecting on how much I have grown and come forward within myself.

I am starting to feel like I can shine, and that is my revelation. I even bought myself a makeup case and all the bits I need. Wore makeup once to Aldi and the people kept looking at me, all I could think was, yes I look different, in a good way and ten years younger.

Once I could not describe what my brothers behavior added up too, I could not put a name on the eldest living of my mothers children and why mum was so, cut off from caring about them at all. And in some respects hated having to acknowledge their presence.

Being able to talk about things I never understand and the professionals giving them a title and without any hesitation. It has been life altering, knowing, that yes I too am not perfect, but I am a decent person and its not me, its them. Frees you like only someone who has lived it would ever know.

What I could never stomach was the lies, the manipulations, the screwing of truth and the half stories to make them appear perfect, when they are far from it.

Because I had to keep silent for a time, no one ever knew why I would, what I call have a blow out, do something stupid at school or once I was out. I had too, I felt so often like a boiling pot, just under the surface, it was about to explode.

But here I sit, finally at peace, finally brave and finally not taking any crap from anyone, anymore.

And definitely still more and more in love with the father and his work, within me.

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Mum…

Lately, I have felt my mum, so strongly, in the morning as I say good morning to all of the above. I have added in my mum, I bought a quilt cover, that she would have loved and every time I walk past or into my bedroom, I am filled with love.

Something my mother had was woolen blankets and secretly, I have always wanted a certain style of them, and have waited till now, I have recently purchased two, one on the bed for summer and the other in wait for winter to come around again.

Woolen blankets have come a long way, not scratchy, not heavy, but once I washed it, there was a bit of fluff, so on the cloths line, I got a soft brush and brushed the excess fluff off. It can take a couple of washes but, defiantly worth it. I feel like my mum is giving me a warm hug, and it makes me smile.

I have gone from feeling so strongly as to why a life was filled with abuse, hurt and sadness, to disconnecting from some of her children and just loving the first Larry and me the last. I found with what she had been through, dishonor, disrespect, and lies got you banished from her emotions. And she would not change her stance, once your done, your done.

But I am so glad we were friends before she transitioned to her eternal life. I am very much the same way, you do something bad against me, your done. Yes I will be polite and tolerate you, but I will be on guard always after that. And yes it has to be pretty bad for that to happen.

Every time I do something, I think of mum, I think if she couldn’t then as long as my father is ok with it, then I can. Both of them knew my heart, you see, you have to understand someone, what there past has been forming them, why they do the things they do, to understand them, to love them. Even through the mucky parts, it makes sense, when you don’t just see mum, but Ruth herself.

Then everything fell into place, I understand, I saw her and loved her so much, she knew it, because she told me, “Bronie, I really do love you, you know that don’t you” those words are what is valued by me.

Love you mum…