I was about to leave and this came to mind.

When someone is TELLING YOU something, does it ever in your head.

Scream, hang on a cotton picking minute. To me this has happened many times, why, I believe its the holy spirit, warning me.

Telling me, something is coming to try and destroy you. I believe its him showing me, they are not to be trusted, they are being used via the enemy, to kill, steal and destroy.

Hmmm, what about those words, I have someone in mind, who has taken great satisfaction, in stealing, trying to destroy and kill relationships, so they think they can stop me.

Funny how stupid the enemy is, he uses people, he is after them as much as me, but I have the father on my side, so who is the looser… hmmmm

I asked once, when a certain someone I walked away from tried everything to abuse me. Then the bible held the key, when I walked away from family. When the demon in you, is ejected, he goes out into the desert, and he comes back with more, to infiltrate you. In short, how many put up the NO VACANCY sign, when this is done. I thank God all the time, but especially for this, because I see what he has shown me.
And when your refilled with more demons, seeing that in someone is scary, because of their end.

They are no longer seeing from their eyes, but are consumed by the spirit, no not a spirit but a demonic force, to destroy, all surrounding them. And its them, I have prayed for…

I use to have a body, that was hour glass shaped and I hated it. I was taught by disgusting men, to loath it. Even when others would envy its natural state.

So, at one point, I stopped eating, yes, stopped even water was a push, why, feeling my skin crawl because of living with daily, what I had to endure, my future mother in law was aghast, because of the bony state I was in.

As I have said before, very openly, because I work under the words, “the truth will set you free”.

Knowing how it feels to loath yourself and anyone touching you, or their words.

I am learning to love my body, why, its time for one, two only I have the power to control, who comes near me, I choose, not anyone else and if they say something I don’t like, the look of disapproval comes over my face, and I stopped many years ago, saying “oh that’s ok”. I say, “thank you for your apology, much appreciated”, instead.

So, with the new hype about weight loss injections, something didn’t stick, something is wrong, why, you don’t mess with your pancreas. To just be the weight others want you to be, I am overweight by others standard, because its been my shield, many are not over weight because of food, it can be mental, not physical.

I am never going to fit the norm, because even when I was size 11, someone always found fault, so I am just gonna love me, all of me. If that don’t fit you, then that is YOUR problem, as long as I eat the right things and am happy, what is YOUR problem, well really I don’t give a flying fig and I don’t need you, to answer.

Having had illness over my life, and operations, being healthy is a great goal. Not the size I am, it has taken a long time to look in the mirror and then to like me.

So, I say this, if you want a quick fix, it doesn’t exist without costing you something or even your life.

I have given myself permission to loose weight the brain has held onto. But I am not forcing it, I am allowing my body to do its thing, I am not following a diet, I am eating nourishing food.

It is that simple, how you see me, is your battle, not mine. I want to live a happy life, whatever form or shape that I come in, I have nothing less than you, if you look at it, I have understanding more than you ever could.

So who wins here, he does.

How many times in life, are we restricted, for coming up with ideas, or tapping into his spirit, because of how we daily are trained to comply.

I have never been one to follow along, and if I ever have, it hasn’t taken me long to awake from the slumber of trusting in someone, who is untrustable.

I always see things others, do not, I can invent things, see gaps in what they are doing, find the join in a link of the computer to over ride its program. I have stunned others and sometimes, I stun myself, because, many times, it just happens, without even me trying.

Thinking back to my childhood, many times, I would internally fight against what I saw and make the decision, I would not allow that to carry over into adulthood.

If I had, in my work place, listened to them all, I would have not succeeded in what I was able to accomplish. For sometimes, people need to be shown a new way, before they try and shut you down.

I have a secret love of spreadsheets and data bases, why, because the organisation, the ability to make it what I need and find the link, but also the power of correct information. To find the research of who and what and how, the key numbers etc.

But I don’t like accounting, I thrived when I worked in the city, because, while a certain someone tried to belittle me with a printed plan of building a data base, I could see instantly, what he could not. That gave me a feeling of power, because even though, he thought because of his career, position and education, he was superior to me, the table got turned around, real quick.

Not many people understand, how I can think, but while they are talking, I can break a sentence down, to key words. How a sentence, when you break it up, does not fit and you can pick up on a crap load of nothing, but manipulation or lies.

Many times, I play the stupid card, or gullible, because they seem to need, to have this superior complex, but I know what I know, its that simple, I am not saying I am better, just that I am not restricted.

I am the round hole, the square peg, doesn’t fit into, its that simple, I don’t think I have more than you, I just can see sometimes, what passes by you without you picking it up.

I have two inventions, processing through my brain, I have many ideas, new ways, etc etc every hour of the day.

And, this is my normal, I cannot just follow along when I can see the obvious. So don’t think you need to restrict your thinking, your not like everyone else, you are unique, so except it…

I was flicking through the channels and I saw a young woman, who gave an excuse for her new partner.

But, if she was on this side, she would grab her bags and leave immediately.

So many times, the world jumps into the water before they have learned how to swim. And this leads to so much grief.

If you would only, step out, see, hear, listen, watch and break the tolerance for very bad behavior. I believe changes would take place, we as women, can use the excuse, oh if I wait, a little more time, etc etc etc.

No, this is what I will accept from you, you take it or leave it… until then we chat, but that is all…

Wow, would that make boys stand up to learn and become men…

It took a long long time to understand this, when its all you are surrounded by, seeing the landscape is hard.

But, after I separated myself, I began to heal, once I began counseling, I began to see the cold hard truth.

You see, I have a half sibling, who is one, as the counselor said, a gas lighting, narcissist.

But I believe its more like a flame thrower, because it felt that way.

I went on google recently and the description, fits to a T.

Obsession with looks and appearance, constant need for attention, belittling and demanding behavior, manipulative and controlling behavior, lack of accountability, envious behavior towards siblings, sabotage and manipulation, gas lighting and emotional abuse, controlling and belittling behavior etc etc.

It goes on about their need to micromanage, turn those close to you, against you and them think your crazy, when its them all along. There is much more, but boy does it fit, so many people who have discussed this person, have nothing nice to say, but confrontation, will do nothing. I always think, if SHE only knew, her own importance is the only one that they see, for others do not give a stuff, but TOLERATE them.

And how I followed the hints, even when I didn’t know it… Separate yourself from the person, take time to heal, seek counseling, take responsibility for your part in a conflict, remain calm and unaffected, disengage from their conversation, set and enforce clear boundaries, keep what your doing to yourself.

What stuck out to me, was many qualified individuals say, why doesn’t she stop at the interpersonal boundary. As I always say, because she thinks, that doesn’t apply to her, that she can do what ever she wants.

But little by little, people are waking up, and the spot light is coming onto her, not in a nice way…

I will continue to pray, because, her end is near… and she cannot manipulate that one.

Facing, the reality of certain people and what has been done, that steered my path, has been so hard.

Because I gave so many, understanding from their side, the situation etc etc.

But, what it did, was leave me out on a limb, by myself, knowing no one would help me if I called.

So many times, instead of protection, it had been what would others think, or its easier not to deal with it.

Then you get to my age, then think, what is so hard about behaving like a grown up, what is so hard about standing your ground and protecting the helpless.

AGAIN, WHAT IS SO HARD…..

Facing, the many occasion where my deepest hurts lye, has been so hard, it has wrenched out, the hidden depths, that I hid from, to just keep going.

But the time has come, to face the truth, face and understand as an adult, why I was left on that limb, as if forgotten, Or acknowledged my existence, so the situation, where you should have called the police, evicted them or just served justice, was not done.

I dislike strongly if anyone sits on the fence and watches a crime, because you need to make a stand. For the life span, pain will be not only the memory, but it will continue for the next generation too.

Having a worldly, father that lied so much and seeing others that would always do something bad to benefit themselves and appearing to have the sun shine out of …..

I chose to stand on, a white lie is not ok, I sometimes slip and say a lie, then I back track, to try and fix it, because in my heart I know, I do not want to repeat history. So I became miss fix it, fix anything you can, to keep the peace, to not stir the pot etc, but that was wrong and its not about demanding your thinking on another, its about sharing how you see it.

But, sometimes things are meant to be said, it comes down to the delivery. I recently said something, that others had commented on, but no one said, and that is something I cannot stand, because you need to say it, but delivery is key.

So, I had to be a real friend and say it, this caused a bit of a bomb, but I had to stand on the knowledge I was being a real friend, even if the truth was hard to take, it was given with all the love I could.

Yes, I have had the same happen to me, but you have to be mature enough to understand, why it was said and the love that came with it.

This is the problem so much today, people either gossip or hide what they feel, but if your friends, and its because of a very good reason and not meant to hurt them, and especially if they ask.

This is how I work, if you ask me, be prepared for what I have to answer with, if I choose not to say, then I will say, at this point I choose not to answer that.

Nothing about that is meant to hurt, it just being HONEST, and aren’t we meant to be… for the truth will set you free.

Your delivery is always key, I realise key points in a conversation, and sometimes I question what they mean, but I know, how I take it, does come down to my maturity and I thank God.

Even when, I stand and choose the hard stuff, he will always work it for the good of both of us…

Over the christmas period, I felt myself have a real downer, like my emotions hit bottom.

Why, christmas has always throughout my life been a memory of chaos, stress, yelling and heart break. So when it rolls around, I want January sooner, rather than later.

So, christmas day I was invited to a home for lunch, and I am being honest, one word that hit the note, I ended up in tears.

I think about my kids, you know when you love them, but you have to stand on your beliefs, even when they don’t agree. I know how things affect me, I cannot make anyone understand, how I feel the way I do.

But he knows, I have always excused the things that hurt me, from those closest because I didn’t want to admit, they sucked. I didn’t want to know or face the truth in, they let me down, when all they should have done was protected me.

I have excused abuse, I have been quiet about physical assault, I have excused them, because I have understood the foundation on which they functioned, but then facing it, it hurts so much. To know my life could have been so much more than it was, but you cannot redo, what has been, all you can do is make the now, right. So as I sit here with tears again, I thank the father for carrying me, caring when others did not and for saving my life, when I tried to end it (this was many years ago).

You see, I am being open, to make anyone who may be struggling through a hard time, that it is gonna be ok, just take a breath and trust him, for through the tears, joy will come… in his time and season.

Just hold on and be blessed.

I know, I cannot just sit before you and look into your eyes.

But as I have read back, certain posts, it scares me, when the message comes through for me to pass on.

Because sometimes, it is not just from me, but definitely from him.

This site was created, because I have a natural nack to write, from my heart.

Its not about earning money, because I have not set it up that way, I started this, because I began a journey.

Not knowing where it would lead, what mountains I would have to overcome, but my truth, my tribulations and exposing, those things others like to hide from.

Trusting the process, his procedure and just hanging on for the ride, even if it becomes a roller-coaster.

Because, he is worth it all, every word, every tear I have sat here and shed, that you do not see.

Why, it is very important, that whom ever he wants reached, he will use this to find the way.

Someone might be on the fence, someone might be in so much pain, inside they are screaming, but they know, reading my journey, to not give up. And as I share, how I hang on, how I may stumble, but how I pick myself up again.

Because the world isn’t my drive, but my mandate to finish as I live in it.
So you don’t need to see me, all you have to do is know, how much he LOVES YOU…

When I started reading the bible again, because I thought if my mum was dyslexic and read from back to front and front to back, then I can too.

Sometimes I can read, normally, other times I need too begin where he instructs more often than not.

But, when I started again, I felt tingles, from the tips of my toes, going up my legs.

When I feel the spirit moving, I know things are happening. That is so key here, tapping into all senses when you work diligently towards him.

Making your way, slow and steady.

I was thinking of my comment, and how it was in the bible, knowing the anti Christ is working in individuals. But my hope is, people become smart and realise, that some leaders are totally working for the person in the mirror, not GOD.

God is accessed through Jesus, but God won’t do a thing unless you ask and respect his son.

When I need a car-park, I ask as my car warms up, “Father God, can I have a car-park (exact spot), in Jesus mighty name” every time, every where I ask, I receive. And do not forget to thank him, will all the thanks you have to give.

How do you ask, do you do it with respect, do you ask with so much sense of the power, to which you ask.

Do you? Do you want to get to know him, do you really love him. Its time to ask these questions, now…