On my last post I talked about my bags, but when it comes to the crunch, I back track. Why, because the next step overwhelms me, the thought of a bag of mine sitting in a shop. I make them so slowly, trying to keep my mind busy and as I make another one, I like to look at them and see the end bag, it shocks me that I made them.

This type of mindset has been happening all my life, you take a step and then back two steps. I want to be bold, I do want what I have made over years gone onto new homes, but something stops me.

As I am writing this, I wanted to share encase anyone else sees a problem in it and knows how to conquer it. If it was someone else, I’d be their biggest cheer squad, but when it comes down to me, I get to a point and feel myself pull on the reins and halt.

I think to myself you only have a few, not many, what happens if your asked to fulfill more and you physically cannot. My back has been nasty, not being able to sit, I felt a pop and then my action is to get to physio, but without a car, I’ve had to put that on hold too.

I think because I have not had any way of getting out, it has been wearing on me, getting a taxi, one driver going through a red light freaked me out, and the art of driving helps calm my motion sickness, you see writing this, I am human after all.

I have been putting off getting help, I was ashamed how much of a mess my house got into, sometimes I do things that annoy me, because I want to physically be able again, but then I pay the price for it. I have this, well if I am going to be in pain, then I’m going to push it. I just get so frustrated, the things I use to love, I cannot do and waiting for help aahhhh.

But, with my therapist we have a plan, I am going to reach out and ask for help, go through the forms and that will make me feel better. I know from just a little vacuum, a patch at a time, is why I am sitting here waiting for the pain to be manageable to shower and dress for the day.

I am having a day of feeling crap about myself as you may be able to tell, I need to get over it and move forward.

Part of me wants to delete this post, but as I promised myself, I would be open and transparent, because you just never know about someone else, who may need a little reality and how I have been assisted by my father to get through each step.