On my last post I talked about my bags, but when it comes to the crunch, I back track. Why, because the next step overwhelms me, the thought of a bag of mine sitting in a shop. I make them so slowly, trying to keep my mind busy and as I make another one, I like to look at them and see the end bag, it shocks me that I made them.

This type of mindset has been happening all my life, you take a step and then back two steps. I want to be bold, I do want what I have made over years gone onto new homes, but something stops me.

As I am writing this, I wanted to share encase anyone else sees a problem in it and knows how to conquer it. If it was someone else, I’d be their biggest cheer squad, but when it comes down to me, I get to a point and feel myself pull on the reins and halt.

I think to myself you only have a few, not many, what happens if your asked to fulfill more and you physically cannot. My back has been nasty, not being able to sit, I felt a pop and then my action is to get to physio, but without a car, I’ve had to put that on hold too.

I think because I have not had any way of getting out, it has been wearing on me, getting a taxi, one driver going through a red light freaked me out, and the art of driving helps calm my motion sickness, you see writing this, I am human after all.

I have been putting off getting help, I was ashamed how much of a mess my house got into, sometimes I do things that annoy me, because I want to physically be able again, but then I pay the price for it. I have this, well if I am going to be in pain, then I’m going to push it. I just get so frustrated, the things I use to love, I cannot do and waiting for help aahhhh.

But, with my therapist we have a plan, I am going to reach out and ask for help, go through the forms and that will make me feel better. I know from just a little vacuum, a patch at a time, is why I am sitting here waiting for the pain to be manageable to shower and dress for the day.

I am having a day of feeling crap about myself as you may be able to tell, I need to get over it and move forward.

Part of me wants to delete this post, but as I promised myself, I would be open and transparent, because you just never know about someone else, who may need a little reality and how I have been assisted by my father to get through each step.

Yesterday, I learned my neighbours were moving.

Today, my friends, son’s car was removed from my shed.

The last three weeks I was really sick, two things at once, even went to look at a car, but as we pulled up outside, it had just sold. So, onto the next option the father has for me.

But so, looking forward to having wheels again, having independence and being able to get out when I need to, delivery has been awesome, but it’s time.

I am getting my shed back, I will then be able to clear my home of all the excess, yay. I am even considering selling my extra beds. No one stays anymore, so it may be time to just keep one.

Well, see, but it is giving me a better outlook on what is happening next in my life, I am quietly excited.

But the search continues, yesterday I came very close to having my next car, but I was feeling very yuk.

I have had problem with my Asthma over the fire season, being dry etc and it felt like a ten-tonne elephant has been sitting on me. It had zapped my energy, and it was really hard to cope, but after seeing the doctor, the medication I soon remembered why I steered clear of it.

But here I sit after the body reaction, and I am able to manage again.

There were things that I did not know, but I was second in line and that was close, I learned what I need to do next time. We all live and learn along the way, when I lived in the country a car would sit for ages. Here bam, its gone, that is really quick, I keep forgetting the amount of people I am surrounded by.

Last night, I started to feel old, slow and just out of my depth, then after a little cry, I thought hang on a minute, if it was meant to be, God would have made a way for me, with no limitations in the way.

As I sit here typing away to anyone who wants to listen, God has something more and I cannot give up. I just have to listen. I am very prepared, that is something I have on my side, I am organised as I have always thought of many situations and learned over the years to be prepared and not go into something half cocked.

I saw some other cars, low milage, but something didn’t feel right and other than not liking the safety of charcoal or black cars, I am very open to any colour. It’s funny but every time I see a bright green car, I feel happy, it’s like a little burst of joy.

Keeping my eyes peeled and my friends and mechanic who make me feel so blessed to have, is really reassuring.

But thinking on that note, if anyone would like to pray for my next car, I have written a list of wants and needs. And I know my dad will help me, now I have a better understanding of what I have to do.

Be blessed, have a great day and don’t forget to find the joy…

Every time someone I know sees me, they do the same thing, oh that’s a shame about your car.

I look them dead in the eye and say this, no it’s not, it is a blessing, because he has given me time.

Time to change my attitude, time to find what he has that is better than I could think for myself.

And time to show others, what is the right way, his way of thinking and reacting.

So, instead of the negative, I grab hold of the very utmost positive it has been for me.

Now, let’s dive into this, because I know what works, and expecting something really does work.

Something someone wise told me, many years ago. If your pregnant, you have an expectation, that by the end you’re going to have a healthy and happy baby. YES…

So, when you want something so strongly to happen, you need to also be pregnant with that expectation and hold it, like a baby in your womb.

You speak it out, you pray, and you sit in that positive pregnancy. Now, some may think this is a daft way of thinking and those wise enough will get the message.

I sit here and I have two big expectations, so twins are due, lol. It will come to pass, because I have that expectation and every time I think of it, I will say out loud, father, you know what I have asked for, I will say it and how I have the expectation of it’s delivery.

I’m excited for it to present itself, so do you want to be expecting… if your wise you will grab hold of this.

Like the knowing and expectation of the written word, I know the words are real, I know and believe in everything that Jesus has done and is going to do and what is to come…

Get excited people…

A lot of the time, I don’t look at myself as anything at all, then something takes place and it happened recently.

I have been looking for another car, to replace my old worn out one, as I started looking a friend who is really good at finding cars offered to also keep his eyes peeled. Then this happened, I rang my mechanic who knows me, and I told him about what was happening, because my old car sits with him. He told me the cars to look for that are rarely in his shop for fixing.

Then we chatted some more and he said to me, that when I find one, try and get one not to far and he will look it over for me, so I don’t get a dud. Now when he said that I was really moved, and I thought to myself, hang on, I must be a really nice person, if that just happened.

I am always thinking like this when I interact with people, I want to be kind, because what would Jesus do. Then, I always think I would like to have honour, respect and honesty done unto me, so I stand by that.

And this I know, what you give out, you get back in loads of ways.

I now have an expectation, that my car will come soon, that it will be at God’s price and it will be the best he has for me.

Instead of just hoping or taking a risk, I trust him, I trust that he will help me every step of the way, why because I know he has me and I trust in that, I have turned it all into expectation of greater things to come.