For my lifetime I have had anxiety attacks, PTSD and depression, also social anxiety.

So, what does an attack look like, when I have to get up and speak.

Well, one night at church, I was asked to speak on a subject, no one knew what was in my head. How I was freaking out, but I wrote it all down.

Then as I stood, I started to cry, my nose ran uncontrollably. I kept apologising, using some sort of funny excuse, I didn’t want anyone to know.

I was so overwhelmed, but I had to do it. I had to fight the good fight and say the words I had written.

This past week, I have not been out in the car, I have gotten groceries delivered etc and not gone outside.

Why, kids holiday and too many at the supermarket, I just get to the point of, I can’t, I shut down, I curl up and lock the door.

I have to get my license renewed, this is a picture and confronting myself, which seems easy, yes. Oh no, I am trying to convince myself, just do it, don’t think about it, just go, but, it might take a few more days.

Pray for me…. Lord help

Yes, its that time of season again, to vote in the next Prime Minister here in Australia.

My mum always voted Liberal, once a sibling went on the attack about the other party, my mum knew how to shut things down and just said, “yes, yes” and gave me that look. You know the one, that says, AS IF…

Here we have really two choices, Liberal or Labor and sometimes you feel neither are worth the effort.

But, recently I was allow to apply for a postal vote, last time it was so hard to get there, parking was a nightmare and when you got in, people were staring over my shoulder because it was such a small building, which is silly.

But, postal here I am, here I have filled it in, sent it off and voted.

Lord please change the leader, please put in your choice and let the peoples eyes be opened and not fooled by all the crap they deliver, to get people onside.

Amen.

When my anxiety allows, I make handbags.

This one called “Sun Shiny Days” and has gone to its owner, a light blue bag, one of a kind.

I struggled to finish it, why, anxiety over not feeling worthy or able to make something, that someone would want.

How do I choose what I do, well I hear words of wisdom, a thought will come to mind, find the light blue, I will sit with the yarn. Then I see it done, I see the size, I see the lining, the flowers on the outside were also shown to me and then as I finish it, I spray it with scotchguard and stiffener to set the fibres.

I don’t make these alone, I have his help and his spirits, because I listen. I am instructed all the way, once I am done I sit and look at it, astounded at the outcome, but also blessed that each one.

Each one is not only named by them, but also created by them. So each one has a spirit that goes with it and a message thought of as I make it. And that was backed up by the person, who has taken her home.

Recently, after I sent my daughter hers, she told me two women stopped her and asked about her bag, she told them that its a one off, that her mum made it and there is not another. Made me love the fact, she has the right bag for her.

That is why, not only because my name is Bronwyn, but the gold B on each bag is to represent you. B original, be unique, be extraordinary, be beautiful and be you.

Many big names might have bags, but none are like mine, none are handmade with so much input and love, that is why every one is unique and special, for that I am grateful once I send them on…

How many take into account, the enormity of this day.

I watch the passion and I cried out in absolute humility for what he went through.

Oh, to those none believers, why is it BC and AD because history was fact then as it is to me now.

If you don’t believe then go to work, don’t take that public holiday etc. And public holidays are mainly to glorify his time here and now.

I think of all these things, on this day. I do not buy into the chocolate eggs, but I think of him, his sacrifice for me and my presence here.

When you realise, how much we ignore, signs of him and its all around us. Do I realise how very present he is to me.

I love him, he blesses me everyday…

Sometimes it takes a little time to get the message, but once you’ve got it, I praise the Lord.

When revelation comes its like a light bulb, lighting up the darkness in your mind.

Then it comes to my subject, blessings.

How many times have you been blessed, if you think, for some reason, they have stopped. Well let me put my little bit of wisdom on this. A blessing given too you, is FOR YOU ALONE, not to bless your kids etc. Unless the father instructs of course.

But, your kids have to line up and do what is required for their blessings.

YOURS IS YOURS ALONE, don’t think, oh if I had plenty, I’d do so and so for my family. NOPE, that is the blockage, he has it for you, and not for you to divide it out.

If something is put on your heart, then get his conformation and take action. BUT…

That mindset blocks it, and sit in his shoes, why would I bless them, when they are just going to give it away. When I have a reason and a time for them alone.

When you get a parental mindset and think of a gift, you have taken the time to get for that individual, something you may have really wanted them to love and as they open it, they just pass it on without a care in the world or an understanding of how much love is behind it.

Makes perfect sense, so let the blessings come, because its for me alone. I get it father, I will not block up the river, I will let it flow.

The other day, I was so happy that my car was unloaded and the stuff was gone.

Donating to others makes you feel good, I prayed for the exact car parks I received.

Yes I pray for things like this because its so hard to move, and boy my lower back is not happy, but being determined, I just had too get it out of this house.

So, here I sit in massive pain, thanking god for online grocery shopping.

But I will still praise the lord for his assistance in doing it bit by bit and clearing out my home.

Now I need my back to cooperate and then I can finish a friends bag, from the pile yet to be done.

I need my body to function lord, please I pray, click it back in and remove the pain. Amen

I have to admit, sentiment and voices in my head, with rules applied to hold onto things, were overloading me.

I got to a point of, where do I start, it took months to get the courage or even know where to begin.

Yes, I am sure many people feel that way, after having my thyroid removed my energy has been close to nill.

But I wanted to be able to breath, I needed to be able to breath.

So, next time I went to put something in the kitchen cupboard, I saw an item. I had not touched or used, so out, I started piling up things. Then I attacked the pantry, electrical appliances not used, out she goes.

I realised that many people are in need so why am I holding onto them. I had to cull the lot, so now as I go through things again, I get braver, I get stronger and I feel happy.

Joy, it can come from this simple task and yes it is simple. You just got to start, I have to set things up in sections. In my head I allocate a section or area, and I start that way.

Before you know it, you sit here and tell the world, how changing the mind set, from the world to his way. Freedom comes, space takes over and you get a much bigger room, a much bigger spiritual air space around you.

And that is why this effort has been so worth it, I want my fathers access to me to be as uncluttered as my home.

I have been bagging up many items, my car is again full to overload.

Donations are going out and clear mind is in…

It always surprises me, when I have bags cluttering up the hallway, or bedrooms.

But when you clear it out, boy oh boy, what a great feeling.

I have gone through cloths twice now, kitchen twice, and it feels good.

Many many more things to go, I need to feel the freedom it gives, I no longer have to hold onto things because of where they came from. I am keeping what I like, what I use and the rest, out she goes.

My spirit feels liberated, yes that is it, liberated.

I want my rooms clear, clean and the flow of spirit not blocked by things.

It may be autumn, but it is a new day, a new me and I feel so good about it all.