A week or so ago, I saw someone and the look, as this person will not wear glasses to see because of vanity, was squinting trying to see if it was me.

My instant reaction was a noise and I realised, I aint scared of them anymore. It may have taken a life time but, I am not scared to respond and they would not want to poke the bear. I have spoken the truth and I am not afraid to open the windows of the lies told.

All my life I have been like on that, you’ve got mail movie. Gobsmacked enough to be unable to respond, well that is no longer the case.

I was always the little girl, shutting up, when I knew a hell of a lot more and could not believe the audacity.

I sit here reflecting on how much I have grown and come forward within myself.

I am starting to feel like I can shine, and that is my revelation. I even bought myself a makeup case and all the bits I need. Wore makeup once to Aldi and the people kept looking at me, all I could think was, yes I look different, in a good way and ten years younger.

Once I could not describe what my brothers behavior added up too, I could not put a name on the eldest living of my mothers children and why mum was so, cut off from caring about them at all. And in some respects hated having to acknowledge their presence.

Being able to talk about things I never understand and the professionals giving them a title and without any hesitation. It has been life altering, knowing, that yes I too am not perfect, but I am a decent person and its not me, its them. Frees you like only someone who has lived it would ever know.

What I could never stomach was the lies, the manipulations, the screwing of truth and the half stories to make them appear perfect, when they are far from it.

Because I had to keep silent for a time, no one ever knew why I would, what I call have a blow out, do something stupid at school or once I was out. I had too, I felt so often like a boiling pot, just under the surface, it was about to explode.

But here I sit, finally at peace, finally brave and finally not taking any crap from anyone, anymore.

And definitely still more and more in love with the father and his work, within me.