As I have stated before, I see a physiologist, to deal with my trauma and nightmares.

I am stating that even me, I have needed the past to be deal with each step at a time.

Growing up, I grew up, with what I refer too as my normal, but it was far from it.

Each year, at the end of November, early December, I feel myself shutting down, I close the curtains and I wait for this dreadful feeling of not being able to breath leave me.

So, I don’t like Christmas, I don’t like the lies, I don’t people at that time of year. Why, it has take time to figure out why, is this time so life altering for me.

Well it finally hit home, one of my worst instances happened. It changed me from happy, to screaming inside, to feeling unsafe physically and mentally. I was aware that my body was a major draw for hurt.

So as I aged, as I grew and my body transformed, I disliked that time of year more and more. I disliked the fact my body was hour glass shaped and I was only wanted for it, and not my heart or mind, that I was only a thing for abuse. But it sits under the surface as to why, I have been single for 24 years.

When I was younger I stated, I wasn’t any good for anyone, because I was damaged goods.

I now know, I am who I am because my father has me, I am safe where he is and that is with me constantly.

So the times I go quiet are totally understandable, my life as I stated and he acknowledged was never meant to be this way, but here I sit, knowing that I cannot change until I deal with each step.

But, I also know, I am woman hear me roar, when I need to roar and I take no prisoners when I do. And that is something that has built within me, when it comes to so far, I will not stand anything anymore and I will fight back.

Like the time as the one year anniversary of my mums death came, that letter. Accusing me that all he did to me, was my fault. Oh no you don’t, I let out a scream built up for 26 years, I went down to the police station and let out the secret kept for so long. The person was grooming there own daughter, my daughter also told me of an incident.

That lovely police woman stating the truth, “honey its not you, it is him, he is a case book pedophile” just hearing that made all the hurt audible, it made getting a restraining order being acknowledged. It made the fathers words that day, when I kept stressing, am I doing the right thing.

I then heard his audible voice and he stated as I got dressed in the bathroom, “justice will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. What a gift, when I needed him the most, he answered. I will never forget the police officer who sheltered me at the time of the court hearing, who said to me, just keep looking at me, put your back to him, focus on me. The judge saw my face, he knew, the abuse councilor who also came with me, stated they give an order for 3 or 6 mths nothing more. Well as the judge asked, “is he your …” all I could muster was a lip sealed grunt as acknowledgement, he used the law to help me and for the first time gave him 1 year, “do not contact her, do not go near her, do not use any friends to find out information or I will have your butt put straight into jail.”

I thought about that the other day, because I have questioned over and over, what good it will do, to bring him to justice now, I cannot get my memory taken away, I cannot make up for lost time, I cannot ever see myself loved via marriage or having a normal life. Because he took my normal away for so long, but remembering the fathers words has made me think again, it may not be too late after all.

Maybe the time is coming for JUSTICE on earth…