As I have stated before, I see a physiologist, to deal with my trauma and nightmares.

I am stating that even me, I have needed the past to be deal with each step at a time.

Growing up, I grew up, with what I refer too as my normal, but it was far from it.

Each year, at the end of November, early December, I feel myself shutting down, I close the curtains and I wait for this dreadful feeling of not being able to breath leave me.

So, I don’t like Christmas, I don’t like the lies, I don’t people at that time of year. Why, it has take time to figure out why, is this time so life altering for me.

Well it finally hit home, one of my worst instances happened. It changed me from happy, to screaming inside, to feeling unsafe physically and mentally. I was aware that my body was a major draw for hurt.

So as I aged, as I grew and my body transformed, I disliked that time of year more and more. I disliked the fact my body was hour glass shaped and I was only wanted for it, and not my heart or mind, that I was only a thing for abuse. But it sits under the surface as to why, I have been single for 24 years.

When I was younger I stated, I wasn’t any good for anyone, because I was damaged goods.

I now know, I am who I am because my father has me, I am safe where he is and that is with me constantly.

So the times I go quiet are totally understandable, my life as I stated and he acknowledged was never meant to be this way, but here I sit, knowing that I cannot change until I deal with each step.

But, I also know, I am woman hear me roar, when I need to roar and I take no prisoners when I do. And that is something that has built within me, when it comes to so far, I will not stand anything anymore and I will fight back.

Like the time as the one year anniversary of my mums death came, that letter. Accusing me that all he did to me, was my fault. Oh no you don’t, I let out a scream built up for 26 years, I went down to the police station and let out the secret kept for so long. The person was grooming there own daughter, my daughter also told me of an incident.

That lovely police woman stating the truth, “honey its not you, it is him, he is a case book pedophile” just hearing that made all the hurt audible, it made getting a restraining order being acknowledged. It made the fathers words that day, when I kept stressing, am I doing the right thing.

I then heard his audible voice and he stated as I got dressed in the bathroom, “justice will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. What a gift, when I needed him the most, he answered. I will never forget the police officer who sheltered me at the time of the court hearing, who said to me, just keep looking at me, put your back to him, focus on me. The judge saw my face, he knew, the abuse councilor who also came with me, stated they give an order for 3 or 6 mths nothing more. Well as the judge asked, “is he your …” all I could muster was a lip sealed grunt as acknowledgement, he used the law to help me and for the first time gave him 1 year, “do not contact her, do not go near her, do not use any friends to find out information or I will have your butt put straight into jail.”

I thought about that the other day, because I have questioned over and over, what good it will do, to bring him to justice now, I cannot get my memory taken away, I cannot make up for lost time, I cannot ever see myself loved via marriage or having a normal life. Because he took my normal away for so long, but remembering the fathers words has made me think again, it may not be too late after all.

Maybe the time is coming for JUSTICE on earth…

About 2 or so months ago, something on the tv said, “city of angels” instantly, I said inside, “city of demons” and its about to burn.

Now if I said anything, no one would have listened, not one person. Now, I say wait for the rain, for the hills will fall.

I know for only a certain amount of time, can you abuse a place or form, then judgement day comes.

Seeing a place so out of wack, so self obsessed that all honour, respect and gratitude has left there souls.

Money, blinds so many, they are then surrounded by people not stating the truth and they are so brittle with instant emotion, they cannot hear it.

The old fashioned values and the terms stated in the bible are let float away on the wind, so they to me, live in a world of material and unholy terms and conditions.

Sodomy, cheating etc, will not allow you to come near heaven. And when you leave, what chaos have you left behind for the next generation.

If anyone speaks a truth, oh my. But a whole lot of business is built on gossip, lies and acting kissing or making scenes that’s so wrong I cannot even begin. Letting bad behaviour be ignored because they are famous, famous for what, behaving ………. come on.

Someone needs to say, life eternal, where are you going to end up.

Its a fair question, just living in the now with what you have or what your are, may not be so great.

How many times do you think your hearing a suggestion, and later you think, oh that was him directing me and I missed it again. I feel so bad and so dumb for not being aware of listening.

It is a fact, the switch between reacting via a human thought and the spiritual is always something. I have too be aware of, lately I have had dreams etc, so real, I wake up confused and have to settle myself, realising the correct day etc.

I know things are taking place, I know things are coming, but it is really un balancing, when your here, but not.

I experience things, I realise not many do, but I also am very aware he is trying to either warn me, or make it okay for me to deal with when it happens.

I have always realised when a persons time is coming to and end. I have realised when the earth is angry, I have felt tremors in the earth before the earthquake. Its like being on his level of awareness and not the worlds.

It is sometimes strange but especially if someone has touched something, I can feel the energy, good or bad that they have touched it with, walking past someone if suffering abuse, I have felt it.

I believe its something I was born with, a gift that makes me listen to the atmosphere and nature around me, because he speaks in many ways.

Things happen all the time and people are not listening because they think, that they only hear with their ears. Why, because the world trains us that there are only 5 senses, but with God, you have so much more.

I know I am unique, I remember times with mum, she would ask me questions, an example, as we drove into our home town, “what do you hear?”. My reply, “the trees are clapping” I would make a statement, that would to mum come out of left field, but if I was agitated, stating I was in or around someone or somewhere dangerous. Mum always knew, I had something, I had a awareness that she couldn’t understand, but very much acknowledged.

Remembering the last house mum bought, every time I went through this little hall way, I felt like I had to duck, she questioned me and I told her something is wrong in the roof, I don’t know what, but its not right. I was pacing after every time so she got someone to go up the man hole, and sure enough a frayed wire was ready to spark and start a fire.

Moving here, I felt and saw a black mark behind a wall of my bedroom door, I felt something was not okay. I didn’t know what but I knew I knew. Turns out a termite nest was behind the door and instantly I said to my Landlord, the guy knew, the one who sold the house so quickly, he knew.

Sure enough after he pushed, he confessed to it, saying that’s why he sold the house, because termites were found and he didn’t deal with them there and then.

When I share something, I hope people do listen…