Just do what you say, TRUST.

Don’t try and figure him out, don’t try and be his CEO, don’t worry about what is to come or what will happen.

Just TRUST, trust him to have you, trust him to use you when its time and get off the band wagon, stop following along because its what, has always been done.

Form a relationship with him, form a bond above all others, trust him and never let go.

Just do it, for we as humans can never come close to understanding what is next, give all your desires up and just be in the moment, for it has been proven to me, you get far more in life, that if you strive for perfection, material possessions or money.

I get my strength, in the knowledge that he has me, that I heard his voice, knowing that when I go through a hard time, where I feel, all I can do is breath.

He is building a warrior, someone who will fight his way, who will not run and hide, but who will make sure, she has her ammunition ready, not the worlds kind, but his.

So as I go threw the hard training, like an SAS agent, I know, he is going to use it, and I don’t have to work out how or why, all I have to do, is be ready and willing.

To stand, when others say they will, but are no where to be seen, when its required, I have a love. A love, only I understand, because, my life is his, when I said I surrender, I gave it all. So how can I loose, because if my life ends, my real life starts with him…

That knowledge, gives me the strength, I cannot deny…

Sometimes I sit here, not knowing what to write, or whether any of it will help a stranger, who falls onto this site.

But one thing, one thing that has always grown in me, when others run from the battle, I stand, scope the landscape, use all my senses and do what needs to be done.

Like the time shortly after I moved here, next door had a young man in there, well he must have done something to upset another, because a young guy with a metal baseball bat, used it to smash his car, that was out the front of his house, the mail box came off second best and he kept yelling, “he was going to kill him” all I kept thinking was, get a site line, see who he is, and you could tell he was under the influence of drugs. But after what seemed like hours, I had, had enough.

Yes, I called the police, but when his friends tried to call him away, I knew I was safe enough and to make sure my exit line back into the house was clear, just encase.

So, I went half way up my driveway, and I boldly and with authority, told him “to go home” he kept on about going to kill him, “I said no your not, your going to go home”. I made sure I repeated myself. When he finally left, I watched from my blackened room, where he went and made a data information memory for when the police arrived, clear and direct as they required.

Lucky my house has bedrooms at the front and you can see through a slit, but I got Jack of it (means had enough). I thought to myself, I am having cold sweats, I have anxiety through the roof, then I thought, I have lived all my life in fear and the police are in another area and can’t come now. So I am taking the power back, and thank the father it worked.

The police woman, came once the sun came out and asked me questions, she said the guy heard you, confronting the young man, I said where was he, she said, “hiding under the bed”. She said to me “please don’t do that again” but as I said, “he didn’t want to kill me, just him and I wasn’t taking it anymore”.

I did understand where she was coming from, but I get to a point, right I’m game, lets go. And I will do it in the safest way, but enough… with my father, I have his protection. For I stand on the fact he is a jealous god and loves me, and he knows when push comes to shove, I will stand on solid ground.

I might have shared how I am seeing someone to deal with my nightmares of the past, that have disturbed me, since I can remember.

What astounded me yesterday was this, I have been given the freedom to feel it all, deal with it properly and put it to bed.

This has made it so hard, but I know it is for my greater good, and in some part of me, the knowledge that once I have conquered it, it can be used by the father, for the greater good.

Why is this important to me, its simple, what the enemy used to try and destroy me, I will boldly use for my fathers manual for others.

I have lived a life where, don’t cry its a sign of weakness, don’t talk about it, just put a smile on your face and ACT everything is fine. Well that only works for so long, and you should deal with it, then and there, not allowing it to fester like a sore on your butt.

We need to move emotion to its place and leave it at the gate, so when the next thing happens, your ready and well adjusted.

I have been thinking of my mum a lot lately, and writing this I have come to an understanding as to this. She did not know how to deal with her trauma, so when it came to me, she just did what she knew worked for her.

When you realise, how people manage, what has astounded me is, I have done the right thing, without even realising it. I have put processes in place, that I wanted to use, to get out of this toxic pattern that had been established by my family. Who give days of our lives a run for its money as a story line.

Mum, god bless her, did not start on the start line, that normal people would have, she was damaged before she had any of us, one thing I remember her keeping was a note I had attached to a card. This I found after she had passed away, because she always asked herself, how did she go so wrong, having kids that were not of her liking. She said to me, I only had two kids, Larry and you, the first and the last. (Just writing this, makes me think of the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end.) She wanted a big family, full of love, instead she got as she said, “the lies, manipulation and bullshit coming out of there mouth, they are not mine” and she had disengaged from any feeling towards them and an intolerance of sorts. Because, she had been made to feel a lesser individual, because the standard of her living wasn’t up to them, what I saw was a woman who faught for everything she had, and was happy in that, something that was enough for her.

I only wish, lessons she taught me, show up as I deal with my reality of my history. In the knowledge, I will make sure, I leave nothing left unsaid, or anything not revealed as truth. Because, in a long line, it is time, time to take the power back and build a new history of change…