When you ask the father, he does answer

I have been asking, why and when..

What caused me to be fat, when did I start to shut down. When and what happened, because you cannot move forward, instead you stay stuck in a system that is not of your making.

I grew up in a time that men could do what they wanted and what ever it was, was OK. No one would listen and think that it was wrong and that is not OK anymore.

So having to face certain memories allowed to look at them, outside of being the person it happened too.

And boy, has that made a difference. You see, I use to be a size 11, I use to exercise, walking and running up and down stadiums, ride my bike etc.

But then, people came along, each taking a piece of me, shutting me down and I started to use food to try and fill this void, you see food was either something to feel pain with. Because you eat until you feel pain or vomit, yes it is the truth, to feel something other than this gnawing feeling inside that you cannot seem to fill or explain.

It comes from words, words & things like, actions that may have been done towards you, are your fault – LIAR. Jealousy of others for just being me – LIAR. Having a hourglass figure and being pretty, to want me when your old and married – LIAR. Putting on makeup and nice cloths, words used to attack – LIAR. Pregnant and being told I am fat etc – LIAR. LIAR LIAR

There are many, many words but I realised after my father showed me, they were issues of others and not mine, but because of there guilt they tried to heap it onto me and convince me it was my fault.

Well the father showed me, it was their garbage and I needed to take out the garbage and send it on it’s way. When you realise, that the guilt you were fed, feeds a hole, that hole is all mental, not physical & nothing to do with your food choices. Your body will hold onto what it can, because like me if you loose a little you freak out inside and need to have that weight on, for protection.

So if this helps anyone else be aware, then I have done my job.

But lets say, the garbage has been taken out and I am now very aware of others problems that were nothing to do with ME.

And I stand in my spirit as my fathers and with so much thanks, that he has allowed me to find the answer.

So just know it is OK, OK to face the hurts and really see how and why.

And to restart, even at my age it is never too late. I am the generation who was coming out of the darkness and I will stand in the light, with everything I have.


Letting go

I have come to the conclusion if I see no use for something I have, then I am letting go.

I was brought up, that if something belongs to someone else, you respect and honour that and look after it, until they collect it.

Which is honourable, but when it comes to my things or my past, enough.

I have used this time to go through things and if I have not used it, then out you go.

Its time, time for a new beginning.

Time to hit Go…

I write, because I want a life lived to save

This heading is so simple to me, if I can do some good for a stranger, by sharing what I go through.

Then I win, if I wanted you to see me, I would have posted my photo.

But that is not the message I am trying to convey.

The msg is simple, if something I write helps, then I have done a good job.

I use to be told, tears are a sign of weakness and you never show weakness. What a lie, you should be able to wash out your eyes and share.

I keep flipping the switch on words and I win again and again, but not for me, for my dad.


Realised why…

I realised something that has been bugging me, why had this happened to my life, what caused me to end this way. A little reflection time, well here goes trying to explain what I mean.

When I was young, I spent as much time on my own as possible, to stay safe and keep out of harms way.

But realised, I was blamed a lot that was not mine to own, and it has had an affect, but stops now.

For someone else’s actions sick mind, even though the person was 5 years older than me – LIAR. For the eldest loving my fun personality and that I was little and cute, so your jealousy caused division – LIAR. That I was like them – LIAR. I was there to be messed with – LIAR. Safety of mine so I had to get out – LIAR. My fault anything to do with my kids – LIAR.

What I am getting too, not filling in it to a degree, is that I have been blamed for many things. And the males through my life have got off Scott free.

Well I am not the one who had a bad mind, I am not the one who’s attitude is wrong. I am not the one, who did nothing to build up the children. I am the one who did as much as I could the right way even though I admit to my mistakes.

I have to say when someone is 5-13 years older than you and blame you, when you have no idea, is just fobbing off there own errors, and well I am taking a stand.

Why, my father showed me, that is why I am now fat. When I was happy I was fit and a size 11, words crumble your self confidence. When I was pregnant I was called fat etc, when I was creating a life and  should have been celebrated.

Every time I had tried to rise, the enemy shot me down. And the last was my son, who blamed me saying, “you always want to be the centre of attention” those words are bitter, twisted and again a lie. If he only knew what I had to deal with, he might get his fat heart healed.

Well now, I got your number, enemy. I am now standing up, you are done. I am writing this because of, not only the magnitude affect, but the subtly the effect can come onto your life.

I am angry, but in a good way, because it fires me up. I must be in line for something great when the enemy has tried so hard to stop me.

Lets end on a good note, because when your aware, things can change.
And mark this one, I am VERY AWARE.



How love fills and overflows

Today I have been singing a song, and tears keep welling in my eyes.

Because, I mean them, it may just seem like a general song but, I do fall deeper and deeper in love with my Lord.

I realised that when I met someone in my past, they thought I would cheat on them. So they attached me, words like, putting chook shit (makeup) on your face or going out tarting.

When all I wanted to do was feel good and make the person want to be seen with me.

Because of the love I feel now, I know time will come when I finally get back that feeling before nasty words tried to shut me down.

I wash them with the blood of Jesus, for I am better than that. And I have asked to get healthy, so the time will come.

All I have to do is hold onto my faith and follow his instruction.

Sometimes its worth a thousand words

Image may contain: indoor

I found this picture on a sight, and I absolutely love it.

Why, I think of the seven spirits of God, that are the colours of the rainbow.

I think of the waterfall in heaven, all of it and this picture is wonderful.

Sometimes I would love to put pictures in places and say, trust me.

And source inspiration, that would make those stop and think of more than themselves.