I have noticed the changes

Continuing on about becoming aware.

I have noticed not only buying more veg, but the need to have it all.

You see if I bought a pk of ice cream’s for example I would need to have one after the other. Until they were all done, or eat all chocolate etc etc.

I made a really yummy stir fry last night, choy sum, carrot, onion, beef, pasta (vegoroni) and I ate enough, still have 2 meals left from it.

And then I had one ice cream for dessert, that is such a monumental thing.

After when I felt I needed something else I had an apple and banana, this is such a huge transformation for me.

I feel others support and prayers which is amazing, if you have then thank you.

But yahoo…I’m on my way to full happiness

Covid has been a gift

Now I know this may not make sense, but I look at things different to others.

The world had to stop, gift 1.

The world has had time to heal, gift 2.

We have had time to appreciate what we have, gift 3.

We have had time to see, see what is really going and make a stand, gift 4.

Time to spend in prayer and building our relationship with the father, gift 5.

Time to clean up things that we had put aside, gift 6.

Time to reset, gift 7.

Not seeing me

It has been a life of not seeing me.

You see others would say things and it was if I was living inside a body that did not fit, what I saw.

Even when I was the correct weight, when the eyes you see through are like a lens that has not been cleaned, the vision is dis-taught ed.

And that has been my most recent insight.

Occasionally I see a glimpse of me and have known in a way why.

But I feel like my real self is finally coming forward and that is a real gift from the father.

So if anyone around you is doing the wrong thing, shout your truth and live the life you were meant to live.

 

When you ask the father, he does answer

I have been asking, why and when..

What caused me to be fat, when did I start to shut down. When and what happened, because you cannot move forward, instead you stay stuck in a system that is not of your making.

I grew up in a time that men could do what they wanted and what ever it was, was OK. No one would listen and think that it was wrong and that is not OK anymore.

So having to face certain memories allowed to look at them, outside of being the person it happened too.

And boy, has that made a difference. You see, I use to be a size 11, I use to exercise, walking and running up and down stadiums, ride my bike etc.

But then, people came along, each taking a piece of me, shutting me down and I started to use food to try and fill this void, you see food was either something to feel pain with. Because you eat until you feel pain or vomit, yes it is the truth, to feel something other than this gnawing feeling inside that you cannot seem to fill or explain.

It comes from words, words & things like, actions that may have been done towards you, are your fault – LIAR. Jealousy of others for just being me – LIAR. Having a hourglass figure and being pretty, to want me when your old and married – LIAR. Putting on makeup and nice cloths, words used to attack – LIAR. Pregnant and being told I am fat etc – LIAR. LIAR LIAR

There are many, many words but I realised after my father showed me, they were issues of others and not mine, but because of there guilt they tried to heap it onto me and convince me it was my fault.

Well the father showed me, it was their garbage and I needed to take out the garbage and send it on it’s way. When you realise, that the guilt you were fed, feeds a hole, that hole is all mental, not physical & nothing to do with your food choices. Your body will hold onto what it can, because like me if you loose a little you freak out inside and need to have that weight on, for protection.

So if this helps anyone else be aware, then I have done my job.

But lets say, the garbage has been taken out and I am now very aware of others problems that were nothing to do with ME.

And I stand in my spirit as my fathers and with so much thanks, that he has allowed me to find the answer.

So just know it is OK, OK to face the hurts and really see how and why.

And to restart, even at my age it is never too late. I am the generation who was coming out of the darkness and I will stand in the light, with everything I have.

 

Letting go

I have come to the conclusion if I see no use for something I have, then I am letting go.

I was brought up, that if something belongs to someone else, you respect and honour that and look after it, until they collect it.

Which is honourable, but when it comes to my things or my past, enough.

I have used this time to go through things and if I have not used it, then out you go.

Its time, time for a new beginning.

Time to hit Go…

I write, because I want a life lived to save

This heading is so simple to me, if I can do some good for a stranger, by sharing what I go through.

Then I win, if I wanted you to see me, I would have posted my photo.

But that is not the message I am trying to convey.

The msg is simple, if something I write helps, then I have done a good job.

I use to be told, tears are a sign of weakness and you never show weakness. What a lie, you should be able to wash out your eyes and share.

I keep flipping the switch on words and I win again and again, but not for me, for my dad.

GOD…